Hair loss triggers toupee, goatee debate

Caleb Bruynes

On Thurs. March 22 I woke up to find five hairs had fallen from my head and rested atop my pillow. This is five times more than the usual — one. While some of you wouldn’t consider this cause for concern and would probably ignore it, I took a different approach and prepared for my imminent baldness.

As a below-average looking guy, there isn’t much room between the way I look now and a completely unacceptable physical appearance. If I lose my hair I could be dangerously close to crossing the line into, “walk around the block to avoid me” ugly. Granted, my hair is probably only my eighth-best feature, but without it, I expose my third-worst feature, my sixth-worst feature and my ninth-worst feature: my oddly shaped head, inability to grow a cool goatee and the Texas-shaped birthmark behind my ear, respectively.

I wasn’t planning on growing a goatee until well into my 30s. But as we all know, bald guys have goatees. Or have at least tried the goatee look. Taking the leap to grow a goatee is scary, especially for me, since my facial hair is weird looking. Go ahead and mess around with a mustache, but you absolutely do not want to grow a goatee until you’re positively ready. I’m not ready. But without hair on my head I would have to abide by the unwritten rule to attempt it.

I know myself. I’ll be one of those bald guys who can’t let it go. I’ll try the comb over look, and maybe even the bald guy pulled back ponytail look. My only hope is that my friends or family will be kind enough to tell me how ridiculous I look before it’s too late.

Some guys can pull off the no hair look: Bruce Willis, Michael Jordan, Professor Cecil. They don’t know how lucky they are; it doesn’t end well for the rest of us. If I knew losing my hair would make me look like John McClane, I’d be like, “Heck yeah, bring on the bald!” But no, I will look like E.T. So I’ve decided that when my baldness occurs, I will be a toupee wearer and there is nothing wrong with that. Okay!?

Baldness doesn’t really run in my family, but neither does awesomeness, and I’ve pretty much been rocking that since birth. Anything is possible. I have already ordered three toupees online from a sketchy toupee-selling website that probably identity-thefted me already. Once, and if, they arrive in the mail I will post pictures and tally your votes for the best one. Hopefully by the time I need to wear it, you’ll have forgotten all about this and I can go on with my hair having life. Only time will tell.