This is the final part in a three part series. If you would like to read the other parts, feel free to check out the official Collegian website. Here are a couple reminders of the guidelines I set for myself during this project. First, no transition songs. To me it, doesn’t seem fair to judge them on the same level as other songs when their purpose is completely different from them. Second, no joke songs. Once again they have a different purpose than songs that are trying to be earnest. Finally, one song per artist. This keeps the list from becoming repetitive. With that out of the way, enjoy the finale.
“HUMBLE.” By Kendrick Lamar – DAMN.: I have never liked this song. I’ve had a lot of dumb and embarrassing opinions since my freshman year of high school, but to my surprise, this is one I’m going to stick my neck out for. There are just so many things that rub me the wrong way, which is a surprise since the rest of the album is good. I listened to it recently, and I was blown away by the tight groovy beats, masterful lyricism, and complex flow. So, to that end I feel like this song is an antithesis to the rest of the album.
The first problem is his voice. His voice being in a higher register has hardly ever been a problem, but here it just doesn’t sound right. There’s high pitched and then there’s nasally. This song makes me feel like I’m getting a lecture from Steve Urkel. It’s incredibly surreal. The beat is also a problem for me. I’m not sure I would call it bad, but it is overpowering to the point where it feels like you’re getting smacked over the head with it. That’s a similar situation with the flow which is just so handfisted. It’s hard to take it seriously. There are levels to this song, you and I know, but none of them are good.
“Vampire” by Olivia Rodrigo – GUTS: This is the album that got me to understand the hype around her. I remember when “Drivers License” dropped and everyone was talking about it, and while I don’t think that was a bad song, I’m just not the audience. There’s just not a lot of room for a melodramatic tearjerker about a teenage girl’s first break up next to my daily dose of divorced dad buttrock, and the same three They Might be Giants songs I’ve been listening to for years. With that said, I was pleasantly surprised with her latest studio release; however, there is one exception.
“Vampire’s” popularity confuses me. To me it represents all her weaknesses as an artist and none of her strengths. The first thing is her voice. To me it feels like her voice is mostly a means to an end. It’s fine, but you’re not listening to her for it. She’s not Adele. On this song, her voice just really does not work for me. It’s just incredibly grating, and that wouldn’t be so bad if she didn’t call so much attention to it. There’s a reason that the songs that I really like on this album are the ones where she talks more than sings like “Bad Idea Right?” and “Get Him Back”.
Another main issue is writing. It’s just so incredibly clumsy at times, and the emphasis in the chorus is just so forced and undeserved. It sounds like she thinks that using a vampire as an analogy is some clever mic-drop moment, but it just rings hollow. People have been calling other people vampires since the idea of vampires. The feeling of someone draining your time and energy is universal. Have you ever worked in food service? It’s like that. It’s not clever word play or a tongue and cheek reference.
The entire song is played as seriously as a heart attack, and that fact alone just sucks all the charm out of the song. It sucks it out like a… something that needs to drain someone of their life to survive. I can’t think of a word for that, but I’m sure there’s something. Most of her other songs are either fast and fun party pleasers or songs that you would cry yourself to sleep listening to. This song just strikes a weird uncanny valley with me. It’s the worst of both worlds. Olivia, I like the rest of the album, but this song bled me dry like a god damn… LANDLORD! That was the word I was looking for!
“Jailbait” by Motörhead – Ace of Spades: We finally made it. The worst song on the list. Surprisingly, I think this is also the best sounding song on here, at least from an instrumental level. This is the one song that’s on here because I think the lyrics really are that bad.
Motörhead’s influence can’t be understated. They went on to inspire thousands of people and essentially created thrash metal out of whole cloth. This led to the existence of bands like Metallica, who would go on to rule the world in the early nineties through the early 2000’s. And lead singer and bassist, Lemmy Kilmister, is considered a legend among metalheads. His devil-may-care persona and breakneck bass playing cemented him as an icon.
The reason I’m telling you all this is because this is a song that can really change the way you see a person, so let me rip the band aid off here. If you couldn’t tell by the song title, this song is about wanting to sleep with underage girls who look like they aren’t. While researching songs for this list I saw so many people talk about what felt like the same 10 songs, but not one person brought up the pedophile song. I thought I was losing my mind after a while. Does no one seriously think this is a bad song? I know that they aren’t the most popular band, but someone had to realize this was gross, right?
As far as I know, Lemmy was never accused of statutory rape and isn’t actually a sex offender, but that doesn’t make this song any better. It just means the song hits like a fanfiction about being on Jeffery Epstein’s Island. I’ve tried to get past the lyrics and focus on instruments that are admittedly pretty good but then I would hear Lemmy, as creepily as possible, say “love that young stuff” right before the guitar solo, and then I would just turn it off. It’s not ironically, satirical or self-aware at all. Which is a shame because a song like that could work if it was trying to satirize or comment on society’s weird fetishization with young girls. The subject shouldn’t be off limits, you just can’t sing about it the same way a meat-headed jock would sing about hitting on cheerleaders.
I still appreciate Lemmy as a person for the most part. Watching him in interviews he seems like an interesting guy. After amphetamines, listening to Motörhead is the next best thing, so there’s no way I’m going to stop. I just feel like I had to set the record straight and remind people that this song, and songs like it, are not ok and never were. Lemmy you’re not jailbait but you could’ve used a night in jail to reflect on what you’ve wrote.
