This is a continuation of an article that was put out last week. This is a topic I’ve spent the better part of a month obsessing over and have accumulated quite a large list over that time. Just a refresher on the rules I set for myself. The first rule is one song per artist. This keeps the list from feeling repetitive and, for my own sanity, helps limit the pool of potential songs. The other rule is no transition songs or joke songs.
An example of a transition song is “Stop” by Pink Floyd. It’s a 30 second song on a rock opera that’s only purpose is to provide exposition. To me it doesn’t seem fair to count that as an official song, even though it is on the track list.Another example is “Iron Gland” by Alice in Chains. This one is a bit of a transition and a joke, but to me it feels like a sort of pallet cleanser. An example of a joke song that I have already mentioned is “All by Myself” by Green Day. The mere existence of the song is a punchline in itself. It was recorded by the drummer in a very informal setting to the point where you can hear people laughing in the background. To me it’s less of an album closer and more of an honorary bonus track. Now, without further ado, here’s part two.
“Wonderwall” by Oasis – (What’s the Story) Morning Glory: Over the holiday break, I got back into a lot of bands I hadn’t thought about in a while. I initially got into Oasis around my junior year of high school, and I was blown away. My first time listening to their first album “Definitely Maybe” is one of the few times I can remember getting goosebumps from listening to music. After that I listened to “Morning Glory” and it happened again. And even though a lot of the people that I knew at the time hated the one song that they knew from the band, I still defended “Wonderwall” for many years, but recently something changed. Every time I would put this album on during the break, I found myself instinctively skipping this song. At first, I thought that maybe I just got tired of hearing it over and over, but after thinking about it for a while I realized that wasn’t the reason. I just hate this song.
The lyrics are dumb, the production is over the top for no reason, and Liam’s voice sounds like nails on a chalkboard. The song isn’t meaningful or romantic. It’s not anything. What even is a Wonderwall? Saying that someone is your “Wonderwall” is like saying they are your “fascination sponge”. Why would you call someone that? What does that mean? Frat boys have been learning this song on guitar for years to try and pick up girls, but I don’t think that a single person has stopped to ask what the lyrics even mean. It’s just not good. Congratulations God, it took a long time, but you did it. I finally hate “Wonderwall”. You win. Today was going to be the day, but please don’t throw it back to me… I don’t want it anymore.
“All in the Family (Feat. Fred Durst)” by Korn – Follow the Leader: Remember that thing I said last issue about joke songs, and the difference between a song telling bad jokes or the song itself being a joke? This is the other side of that. I love Korn. This album has some of their best songs and the album cover is one of my favorites. I also have an appreciation for Fred Durst and Limp Bizkit, so this isn’t me mindlessly bashing an easy target. This song is just so terrible. If you ever wanted to hear two twentysomethings drunkenly rap immature and homophobic disses at each other, then this is the song for you.
I don’t have a whole lot more to say here, especially since Johnathan Davis, lead singer of Korn, sums up my thoughts on the song perfectly in an interview with Metal Hammer, “” All in the Family” is the worst song ever. It’s horrible. We were all drunk in the studio and I was trying to rap. At the time, we were having a good time, but now I just cringe. I’ve got nothing against Fred, it just sucks! We were out of our minds drunk! It shouldn’t have made the record.” Well said Davis. I’m not even going to come up with a pun for this one since the time and effort it would take me to come up with one would probably be more than what they put into making this song.
“If” by The Red Hot Chili Peppers – Stadium Arcadium: I don’t really have a lot to say about this one if I’m being honest. I could just write a list of a bunch of synonyms for lame: displeasing, insufficient, mediocre. It’s just such a wispy nothing of a song. They have one idea for the song and they hit it repeatedly with little variation for two and a half minutes then it ends. I guess if this song speaks to anything it’s how impressively consistent the album is despite it being over two hours long. If I had the chance with you to sing along, I would probably just pick a different song.
“Tears” by Rush – 2112: The title track on this album is just so amazing that I think people sometimes forget just how good the B side is. “Train to Bangkok” feels fun and exciting romp through Asia with a catchy chorus and a killer main guitar riff, “The Twilight Zone” is a slow and mysterious piece that really captures a strong sense of uncanniness, and “Something for Nothing” is one of my favorite album closers of all time. “Tears” is just the one track I could never get into.
Every time I put this album on, I would give this track a shot but then skip it after a minute because it’s just so boring. It’s one note and painfully meandering. Geddy Lee’s vocals sound like a shrill squeal compared to his typical powerhouse of a singing voice. I know that part of this is just me since I don’t care for slower songs in general, but then again“The Twilight Zone” is a slower song and I can appreciate its strange and creepy vibe. There’s just not much there for me to latch onto. I just think this is just another terrible 70s rock ballad. This song bores me to tears.
“Tonight, Tonight, Tonight” by Genesis – Invisible Touch: I love progressive rock. It’s one of the main genres that got me into music. While I do prefer the Peter Gabriel era, I do appreciate a lot of Phil Collins’ work especially since my first experience with them was their 1983 self-titled album. While they did slowly become more pop that prog overtime there still is a lot to like about their more accessible stuff, even if their older stuff was a bit more interesting. That’s what makes one of their last attempts at progressive rock even more painful.
The best way I can describe this song is that it sounds like how a migraine feels. It’s painfully disorienting, lingers for too long, and we don’t really know why it exists. The thing that separates this song from the rest of the other songs is that it’s a crushing 8 minutes long. I do know there is a radio edit that’s four minutes but that doesn’t make this song any better. The album version feels like an eternity and the radio edit feels like an eternity minus four minutes. Tonight, tonight, tonight… I’m sleeping through the rest of this song.
“Hat’s off to (Roy) Harper’’ by Led Zeppelin – Led Zeppelin III: What is this song? This is one of the most baffling songs I have ever heard. Is it an experiment, and if so, what’s being experimented? Is it a prank? If it is, they got me. I first came across this song in junior high and I have not been able to stop thinking about it since. Many sleepless nights staring at my ceiling asking the question “why?”
This is the same album with “Immigrant song” one of the most iconic rock songs of all time. Seriously, how did this happen? There’s no drums, bass, or keys, just a jumbling of random guitar notes and Robert Plant’s obnoxious squeal. The lyrics are beyond strange, not that you would be expected to understand them. And this song comes right after one of my favorite Zeppelin tracks, Bron-Y-Aur Stomp, and is the last song on the album which just rubs salt in the wound for me because I love a good album closer. It’s just bad in all the worst and most baffling ways. Hats off to [Led] Zeppelin, you guys broke me.
Honorable Mention: “Where the Hood At” by DMX – Grand Champ: The reason this is an honorable mention and not “officially” on the list is because I haven’t listened to the full album. The main reason I wanted to even bring it up is to point out why the homophobia in this song is so much worse than in a lot of other songs that use “gay”as an insult.
Most of the time, homophobia in music is used to delineate a lack of masculinity. It’s not meant to explicitly attack gay people. It still is and always has been wrong and insensitive, but there is some nuance there.
“Where the hood at” stands out among the rest for absolutely gutting itself of any plausible deniability. DMX wants you to know that if you are gay, he won’t even shake your hand, and that he “shows no love to homo thugs.” There’s even a transphobic comment out of nowhere for some reason. This just absolutely ruins the song for me. I wish I didn’t, but it does. The rest of the song is pretty good. The beat’s solid and DMX is as high energy as ever. That verse just changes the entire meaning of the song to me. It crosses the line from insensitive to unacceptable. It’s just so explicitly hateful. No pun here either, this song is just disappointing.
