Me: Good morning, everyone. As you know, I’ve called this meeting to order because there’s exactly 30 days remaining until graduation. We’ve got a lot to do yet, and so, today’s meeting we’re going to check in and see how everyone is feeling about the impending adulthood. Coffee, why don’t you start?

Coffee: Yep. So, as you know we’ve been pretty active all year, but in the last few weeks, we’ve really been going all out. Our regular one-cup each morning wasn’t showing the results we wanted.  Plus, with the sleep schedule being a little funky lately — 

(Sleep rolls eyes)

Coffee (clears throat): — we may need to bump it up to two cups each day, especially with finals week. We’re calling this plan “Operation: The Second Cup.” I think this could really see some results, especially if we can see some improvement in the sleep schedule…

Sleep: Can I jump in?

Me: Go ahead.

Sleep: I know what you all say about my department behind my back. I’ve heard the words “lazy” and “unmotivated” tossed around. That’s untrue. We are working our butts off. With midterms not long ago, we were pushing six hours each night. That doesn’t work. We need at least seven hours. Plus all of her friends have announced their plans after graduation, but she hasn’t a clue yet. You know how stressful that is. She’s losing sleep over it. We need more sleep. I’m talking a good nine or 10 hours.

(Coffee snorts.)

Sleep (ignores Coffee): Frankly, we need a nap.

(Assorted grumbles heard around the room)

Sugar: We don’t need a nap. I can fix this. We need doughnuts.

Vitamin: No, no, no. You tried that last week for breakfast. We need something healthier.

Me: Stop, I can’t let you argue like this again before lunch. We don’t have all afternoon. Let’s return to “Operation: The Second Cup.” Does anyone else have any thoughts on this?

Water: I’m going to have to disagree. Sorry, Coffee, but if that one cup isn’t showing the results, what will two cups do? I don’t think we should be throwing our resources toward a second cup. More coffee is going to counter our goals in the water department.

Coffee: Seriously?

Water: She’s tired because she’s dehydrated. How many times do her friends have to tell her to drink more water before she actually does it?

Exercise: I’m with Water. We’ve been busting our butt at Zumba class, but without more water, it isn’t doing anything. She was feeling light-headed after the third song. If that’s not dehydration, then I don’t know what is.

Sugar: What about low blood sugar?

Exercise: No, definitely not.

Me: OK, blaming one another is not going to get us anywhere. Does anyone have any other ideas?

Alcohol: My department is dying to contribute more consistently.

Me: Thanks. I appreciate that.

Water: Don’t tell me you’re considering any of his ideas?

Me: Well… maybe it wouldn’t be so bad. If we would just hear him out…

(The door bursts open.)

P.M.S.: Sorry, sorry! Am I late? 

Me (sighs): Screw it. Sleep, you’re in charge.

A similar article written by Hallie Cantor in the New Yorker inspired this column.

Sara Bertsch in the Editor-In-Chief for The Collegian and can be reached at [email protected].