Santa the evil slave driver

Nathan Sanderson

Nathan Sanderson

Santa does exist. Just like Virginia in the children’s story, I’m telling you flat out that there is a Santa Claus. But, I really don’t think that he is as great as everyone makes him out to be. Sure, he delivers toys to millions of children all over the world in one night, but does he have any consideration for his employees? I think not.

If Santa were such a great guy, why does he have his workshop on top of the world? Think about it, it has to be a pain in the butt to get supplies up there to make those toys. Wood, plastic, steel, electrical components and tools all have to be shipped from around the world. The overhead costs have to be huge! Also, the pilots of delivery airplanes are forced to land in dangerous whiteout conditions every day. Santa could increase pay and benefits by changing locations. This would also reduce his costs and improve worker safety.

Clearly Santa has no regard for the vertically challenged ones who make up his slave labor force. The movies make it look like the Elves are happy and enjoying their jobs, but so does Nike with their sweat shops in Laos. The Elves wouldn’t be there if the big guy wasn’t imprisoning them. Even with UPS taking care of their package support, the Elves put in a lot of back-breaking hours making sure Timmy gets his red Power Ranger. Not to mention the fact that polar bears routinely carry off two of the little guys without even breaking a sweat. If Santa likes cold, move to Antarctica, where there are no polar bears. This will improve morale and increase toy production.

Just like the CEO of a major corporation taking all the credit for a job well done, Santa hogs the spotlight, especially when it comes to Sainthood. Where is the recognition for the others who put in just as much time making Christmas happen? Nobody seems to care that Santa doesn’t make any toys himself but gets all the publicity. What does the guy do for 364 other days in the year? Eats Mrs. Clause’s cookies and drinks reindeer milk, that’s what. If we stop writing letters to Santa, and start writing letters to the Elves, we can improve the working conditions for this unfortunate minority.

Together we can make a difference.

E-mail comments to Nathan at [email protected].