Students must rise up against the elderly

Brian Lecuyer

Brian Lecuyer

“Studies show old people are just as good as drivers as sleep deprived apes.”

-Lisa Simpson

Nothing in the world is more irritating to a young, on-the-go college student than having to deal with the old and feeble people on the highway. We must wait behind them as they crawl along down the road going (of all the God-forsaken speeds) the speed limit. We must stare at them as they drive for miles and miles and miles and miles and … (you get the idea) with their right blinker on (Just turn into the ditch and be done with it!). We must accidentally rear-end them every time they slam on their brakes for no apparent reason.

In short, we must finally make them realize that we’ve had enough. No longer will we let this threat to our youthfulness and idealism go unnoticed. We refuse to wait patiently behind those who would go the speed limit or drive in the passing lane on the freeway. We refuse to be silenced. Instead, we shall be heard! In particular, they will hear all the words we scream to ourselves when we’re stuck behind them. They need to hear every word that rhymes with “ship,” “bass-coal,” “back-bass,” “truck,” “trucker,” “mother trucker” and, lest we forget, “trucking plastered.”

Let them call us immature; let them call us uncivilized, but it has been made clear that offending their PG-13 sensibilities is the only way to get their attention. They obviously don’t listen to our honking horns, and they obviously don’t see our finger extended. To them, we college students are subhuman: something along the lines of aggressive apes.

What causes them to treat us this way? After all, they were young once; they must remember what it was like to be on the go, always on the lookout for a new and exciting adventure. Can’t they see that by utterly ignoring the most common sense rules of the road they are slightly inconveniencing us youthful, good-looking college-aged students? They can, but they don’t care – because they are jealous. They are jealous of our youth, our energy, our vibrancy. And every time they see us cruising down the road, their hearts fill with rage because we are what they once were. Driving poorly is their only revenge.

It’s time we have a little revenge of our own.

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