Former columnist tells tales from real life

Brian Lecuyer

Brian Lecuyer

This week, because I’m lazy, I’ve told Jarid Kvale, last year’s much funnier humor columnist, to write my column for me. For those who were curious, Jarid now works at IBM in Rochester, Minn. Yes, he has a wife, and this time, she’s real.

Since Brian has taken a week off to do whatever it is that Brian does (my guess: sitting on the couch in his underwear watching old episodes of “Coach” while eating Cheez-Its, at least until his roommates have him assassinated), I am taking this opportunity to make my triumphant return to the Collegian. Please, hold your applause until after the performance. As I have been unable to come up with a coherent theme for this column, I present to you “Ramblings from the Real World.”

?Getting married didn’t make me feel old. Having a job doesn’t make me feel old. Buying a house isn’t making me feel old. Playing pinochle with my in-laws on Easter didn’t make me feel old. Going to bed at 10 p.m., though, makes me feel ancient.

?Once you’ve worked at an office for any length of time, you begin to realize that “Office Space” is a documentary.

?So is “Dilbert.”

?Guys, did you know that there’s a wrong way to fold towels? If not, you haven’t been married.

?I’ve been meaning to clean up my desk and organize it at some point, but I keep thinking that this is just a summer job. And it’s been 10 months.

?No matter how solid your reasoning, it’s never a good idea to share pro-polygamy views with your wife.

?Night shifts stink, especially when your spouse works them. Being quiet all day comes to me as naturally as eating lizards.

?Males, beware: Women aren’t nearly as receptive to eating the same food for consecutive meals as we are.

?The joy of proving your wife wrong is quickly dampened by the fact that she’s now very angry at you.

?Who decided that split-level houses were a good idea? Can we have that person hanged?

?I was looking through my baseball cards yesterday, and I realized that almost none of them are still playing. In fact, some of their children are now playing. This means one thing: I need to buy some new baseball cards.

?If my wife reads that last sentence, I’m probably in trouble.

The biggest problem with columns like this is that there’s no good way to end them.

(Brian: Find a better way to end this please – Jarid)

E-mail comments to the Humor Guy at [email protected]. You can probably reach his ghost writer at this address too.