Weddings aren’t nearly as fun as the pre-ceremony activities

Nathan Sanderson

Nathan Sanderson

This summer I have the opportunity (obligation) to attend several weddings. While the actual ceremonies are OK (yeah, right), and the reception and dance following are usually fun (I hope that they have free booze), I prefer the pre-wedding activities.

Recently, one of my friends had her bachelorette party, complete with “downtown” activities and the infamous “suck for a buck” fundraiser. While I wasn’t at the party, I have heard so many lurid accounts from that evening, I felt obligated to share them.

When the blushing (wait until she reads this) bride-to-be first decided to do the “suck for a buck” cash generator, she was obviously a little afraid of what might happen, as she told her friends to “stick close to me when guys are coming up and sucking on my body.” She was also nervous about the potential lack of customers when she asked, “What if nobody sucks me?” This would not be a problem.

After five reapplications of Life Savers Candy to her white T-shirt, the future Mrs. was getting more used to the idea. That or the alcohol was finally kicking in. From what I hear, all went well until one distinguished gentleman decided that the woman in white needed to straddle him on the barroom floor in order to receive her $1.00. Her statement for posterity? “I’m having too much fun with these guys sucking my …” well, you get the idea.

It doesn’t matter whether you enjoy weddings or not, following soon-to-be-married people around and watching them entertain without even trying is an enjoyable pastime. Remember to bring the video camera, so that after they’ve been married for 20 years, you can show their kids the video or blackmail their parents with it if the opportunity presents itself.

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