If I Ran the Circus

Dj Steckelberg

Dj Steckelberg

Politics, schmolitics! Aren&t you sick of these dumb ads?

A new season is once again upon us.

Soon the birds will say, &Enough of this we are out o& here!& Those self-conscious trees will change their leaves to fit the new fashions displayed in the catalogs.

But what season could it be? The football season? The new season of &Friends?& Fall?? NO!

Well ok, yes, those seasons of course, but the real season that will take up everyone&s time and energy for the next few months and have absolutely no effect on their lives after it is all said and done is the season of which I speak.

I am speaking of none other than & election season!! That glorious time when politician pits him/herself against the odds, the pollsters, the media, public opinion and even other politicians from time to time.

What could be more fun than misrepresentative sound bites, yards full of bumper stickers on sticks and the incessant letters to the editor in every paper proclaiming the virtues of one politician whilst exposing the anti-Lincoln in another.

Every day you read how one politician said the wrong thing at some political event and the next day there waits a rebuttal &setting the record straight.&

One day, I am going to open up my paper to read that Lois from Murdo is mad because one of the candidates didn&t show up at her quilting party, and the next day find out from Milton in Gregory that yes that candidate was there and maybe Lois needs to worry less about her precious quilts and more about the real issues this state is dealing with such as the need for a whittler&s union. It all makes me well up with joy.

But all is not well in Whoville. Our two candidates for the one open Senate seat are participating in a NEGATIVE campaign that neither say they agreed to nor has very much to do with.

One side says, “Look at their voting record, pee-ew!” And the other retorts with a much deserved, “Yeah, well, you kill baby seals!&

And it goes on and on.

On the one hand you have Tim Johnson the Democrat. He is part of the problem … ooops sorry I mean PARTY that wants to solve everybody&s problems.

It&s cool to say you are a Democrat because they love everyone and want to help; while those money grubbing Repelicans try and ruin everything by getting rich.

A negative ad by Johnson&s camp might sound something like this:

John Thune and his Washington fat cat friends are burning down the forests with oil they drilled illegally in Alaska to clear an area the size of two Montanas, so they can build a country club on top of a nursing home where John Thune&s grandma plays bridge with your grandma, all so they can plan how to take away Medicade, social security and ruin Christmas. Shame on you John Thune!

John Thune on the other hand belongs to the problem … sorry did it again … party that wants everyone to live for themselves. They feel that government is too intrusive and that America was founded on independent ideals and her citizens should be allowed to live that way despite what those tree-hugging, check- bouncing Demoncrats who tax away all of your hard earned money think.

His negative ad might sound eerily the same:

Those Washington fat cats don&t know that every time they raise taxes they are taking money out of hard working real Americans pockets. While the price of oil goes up every day our forests are burning down because those hippies in Washington like Tim Johnson won&t clear cut them to make way for development that this country so desperately needs. Shame on you Tim Johnson.

If I ran the circus we would find out where this mythical “Washington” lies and visit with these “fat cats” and ask them to cut the crap.

We need to turn all of the money raised and spent on political campaigns into advertising, setting up for and transporting people to public debates so that the public can make clear, informed decisions on who they should vote for.

Remember if you aren&t voting with your conscience, you are voting with someone else&s.

DJ Steckelberg is the Collegian&s humor columnist. Take him to task at [email protected].