Young Mr. Steckelberg tries to be a big fat jerk or You certainly can learn a lot from an angry bigot

Dj Steckelberg

Dj Steckelberg

October is here once again and that means it’s Diversity Awareness Month, personally one of my favorite months of the year.

I like to learn about how people are different from me and then think of new ways to scorn them.

My friend says that he isn’t prejudiced, he just hates everyone equally. I tell him he isn’t very original. I tried once to be a prejudiced person. Unfortunately I’m not bright enough to pull it off.

I was eating by myself once again in Medary Commons minding my own business, keeping my gaze toward firmly locked on the blue tray to keep from any possible awkward situations that might turn up (you know, like eye contact.) A person was sitting near me talking to their friend. This person (I will refer to them as X from here on out) was telling his friend about every person who walked into the room.

Right off I could tell that this person was very smart and that I was about to be treated to a learning experience that I wouldn’t soon forget.

First off there was a slut. X new just by what she was wearing that she was a woman of questionable virtue. I thought questionable fashion sense but X intrigued me with his insight.

The next person to walk by the table got a “Hey hippie sell any drugs lately?” coyly whispered under X’s breath. Needless to say I was impressed!

Soon, a person X labeled as “Homo” sauntered into the room. I wasn’t sure who he was talking about but I’m glad I wasn’t him because boy, did X not like their kind!

X’s friend said it was okay with him as long as “they” didn’t “hit on him.” I didn’t think that was going to be a problem but maybe this guy is a magnet. I was already impressed with X, maybe his friend had a few tricks up his sleeve too.

The thing that really drove the point home that I didn’t match wits with X was he kept asking “Ya know what I mean?” I had no idea. But I was ready to learn.

The first thing I needed to do was find out which of my friends were wrong and who I should stop liking.

This would be a problem.

Though X knew immediately that a person was gay as soon as he saw him and instinctively knew not to like him, I am not so fortunate.

I had to be told that a good friend of mine was gay. He is clearly, thoroughly gay. I just didn’t pick up on that. And when I was told this I replied with the always intelligent reply “Are you sure?” So I can’t even pick out the different people among my own friends.

But at least now I had some one I could hate. My friend. I could hate him. Good.

But how would I approach the subject? I realized that if I just started to hate him because he was gay then everyone would know that I didn’t know that right off, thus showing how stupid I was. Then there was the whole problem with not really getting why it was I needed to hate him. And then if I did figure that out what would I say that would offend him? “Hey you gay, you big gay, gayie, gay guy.” He would then reply “Hi.”

Ultimately I realized that I just wasn’t smart enough to go through with it. Why are people straight or gay or asexual? I don’t know what makes people different and I don’t really care. Not one bit.

Until I figure it out I am just going to spend my days being distracted by shiny things.

DJ Steckelberg is … ooh! A piece of tin foil! Write to him at [email protected].