Todd Vanderwerff

I would like to formally announce my candidacy for something in 2004.

As something, I would create a modern Utopia, shining in the bright sunlight, basted in the love and joy of all peoples.

And then I would take that Utopia for all it was worth.

Actually, I have always wanted to run for office. I don’t really care what office I get, as long as I have the power to use my iron fist to crush those who wander into my way with impetuous little smiles on their faces.

In 1998, my friend and I hatched a plan to run for the governor of South Dakota in 2002. The plan mainly focused on making funny ads wherein I would stitch together speeches made by my opponent to make it look as though he or she advocated eating babies.

However, my friend sincerely believed that if I could capture almost everything east of Mitchell and the reservations, I would win the election.

And then Tim Johnson went and did that very thing last week and did win.

So you see? My friend and I are the smartest people EVER!

And don’t you dare question that.

Which is why I’m going to run for something in the year 2004. Our intrepid and resourceful sports editor believes I should run for the office of PUC (pronounced “pook”).

Since the PUC is actually a Public Utilities Commissioner, I believe I would have fun with this, as I would get to mess with the people of South Dakota’s toilets and what-not.

But I want to move beyond toilets and sinks and showers (oh my). I want to have an office with some sort of real power.

In short, I want to be governor, Senator or President and I won’t accept anything else!

I have an air-tight plan to accomplish this too.

Free gas.

That’s right, folks! FREE GAS! It’s so simple, I can’t believe no one else has ever thought of it before.

People need gas to run their cars. People like their cars. People get cranky when they have to spend more money to buy gas. Therefore, give them free gas and they will vote for you.

Honestly, you can deprive the whole continent of Asia of water, send the economy of Swaziland into a spiral and bomb Canada with nuclear weapons but most people won’t really notice until their gas prices go up.

Of course, I’ll need a way to pay for all of this free gas. I have this answer too.

Unbridled communism.

If the government owns everything, it can charge whatever it wants on everything! It’s all a rather simple concept.

All we need to do is stay in power for long enough to fill the Congress, the Oval Office, the state legislatures and the Supreme Court with enough free-gas sympathizers to completely overhaul the Constitution and invent a new form of government!

It’s almost too easy!

Sure your grandmother may complain that she has no bread with which to earn the subsistence she needs to live, but she’ll have plenty of gas to keep her ’56 Edsel running.

Of course, she won’t have enough money to repair the car when it inevitably breaks down but the Free Gas Party will install moving sidewalks everywhere, so walking is just like standing!

After all, where would you rather live?

A country where you have the right to say and do almost anything you want with ridiculously high gas prices?

Or a country where I get to tell you what to say and do but I keep the gas prices non-existent?

Lemme’ know what you’re thinking in 2030, when I’m president for life and your children come home, joyously shouting, “Hail to the party!”

Todd VanDerWerff wishes to be addressed as “El Presidente” from now on. Write to him at [email protected].