The truth about the Super Bowl

Todd Vanderwerff

Todd Vanderwerff

Super Bowl XXXVII is completed and written up in the record books under Super Bowls that make you go “Eh?”

To be fair, it wasn’t as boring as the Ravens’ 34-7 shellacking of the Giants a few years back, but it was no last-second thriller with an Adam Vinatieri field goal to win it all as time ran out.

I was slightly more forgiving of this Super Bowl because it was one of those occasions where one team so thoroughly dominated the other team for most of the game that one could sit in awe of their sheer talent and chutzpah (much like the 1989 San Francisco 49ers or my fiancee’s beloved 1985 Chicago Bears).

While the Bucs didn’t dominate the Raiders all the way through the game (those crazy Raiders DID end up scoring three touchdowns), they did well enough that one could view their defense (particularly their run defense, which allowed the third-fewest yards in Super Bowl history with just 19 yards allowed, third only to the Bears and the Raiders) with the appropriate sense of awe befitting a number one defense.

It’s not the greatest Super Bowl I’ve ever seen (I’m still partial to 49ers 20, Bengals 16, featuring Joe Montana’s stunning last-minute comeback), but I was mostly entertained and the snacks I had to eat were pretty good too.

All in all, here are the honorary Todd VanDerWerff Super Bowl awards.

Strangest comment by John Madden: “At the start of the season, I thought that maybe having a dominating defense didn’t mean as much as it used to, but now I’m starting to go back on what I thought and not think that.” And syntax completely breaks down.

Most self-loving comment by Al Michaels: “I didn’t think I would ever have to dust off ‘Do you believe in miracles?’ but …” Mr. Michaels’ comment in the second half when the Raiders appeared to be staging a comeback obviously referred to his immortal call at the 1980 Olympic hockey game.

Smartest advice from Al Michaels: “Just don’t do dumb stuff!” Agreed.

Cutest little kid: Brad Johnson’s son was far cuter than all the other Tampa Bay Buccaneers’ little kids. Of course, it didn’t hurt that Brad Johnson’s wife was really hot. For a wife, that is.

Best ad: Reebok’s “Terry Tate: Office Linebacker.” Truly a Super Bowl ad classic. There’s nothing quite like seeing a burly black man run around and tackle people for doing things like playing solitaire. Of course, we here at the Collegian need our own office linebacker. Any of you up for it? “When it’s game time, it’s pain time!”

Worst ad: Celine Dion driving a car. Though it would have been the best ad if she had just driven the car off of a cliff, according to my fiancee.

Weirdest ad: Jackie Chan tries to get the tag off of his T-shirt while Michael Jordan looks on. I don’t know what was going on in this ad, but it was the closest thing I’ve ever seen to the fictional “Mr. Sparkle” ad in that episode of “The Simpsons.”

Best post-Super Bowl show EVER: “Alias,” which combined their most-heart pumping episode yet with Jennifer Garner in lingerie. Yow-wow!

Strangest entertainment choice: An extended Bon Jovi post-Super Bowl party, followed by Penn and Teller magic tricks. America just wanted it all to be over so they could watch Jennifer Garner cavort about and then go to bed.

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