SDSU could be America’s secret weapon in the war against Iraq if the U.S. asks for us

Nathan Sanderson

Nathan Sanderson

With a war against Iraq almost certainly coming soon, it seems that the entire nation has thrown itself into a frenzy.

Not since the 1960’s have we seen the type of hysteria that caused school children then to crouch below desks to protect themselves from a nuclear blast and now for citizens to barricade their homes with plastic and duct tape.

Come to think of it, I don’t buy the desk thing. The desk that I was provided with in elementary school was barely enough to keep me from falling to the floor.

In the event that our rogue foe in the Middle East does decide to unleash his arsenal of weapons, I think that South Dakota will be pretty safe.

I mean, if you had to bomb someplace, wouldn’t you want to hit something other than a corn field?

Consequently, if I was a member of the Joint Chiefs of Staff in the government of the United States, I might look into expanding our missile research facilities to include SDSU.

There are engineers all over this campus, our fair state is remotely populated, thereby reducing the number of people with any knowledge of such activities and it is almost certain to be overlooked by any potential adversaries.

Sounds to me like an ideal place to build a research station for the military!

Let’s not forget that land is relatively cheap, there is an abundance of back roads available for covert transport, and barren areas in the western half of the state for testing.

Who needs a half-mile of solid rock and concrete for protection against Saddam’s attack like NORAD has?

We have anonymity and thousands of miles of open country. Go ahead and try to find us!

Well, maybe we shouldn’t move a potential nuclear threat into the area when the worst chemical agent we have to worry about is a hog lagoon.

It sounds good financially, but it is nice not having to think about how my house is going to explode other than from a tornado.

And while Saddam Hussein has about the same reasoning skills as Mr. Bean, there’s no reason to give him a local target.

If SDSU goes to Division I and the University is short some money, I suggest we give Colin Powell a call–maybe he’s looking for a new location for a military installation.

As Michelle Lauck told me when we were discussing this issue, “SDSU could change their slogan from ‘You can go anywhere from here’ to ‘Our Missile program is the best thing since SDSU Ice Cream!'”

Nathan Sanderson is actually the best thing since SDSU Ice Cream. Write to him at [email protected]