Jesus Christ holds a press conference

Dr. Brady Phelps

Dr. Brady Phelps

This article is intended as satire.

Assume that Jesus Christ came back as prophesied. What is one of the first things he would do?

Hold a press conference, duh!

Here’s how it might go:

Q: “Mr. Christ, where have you been, and why are we hearing from you now?”

A: “What do you want to hear, the truth or what you want to hear? I have been hanging out, gettin’ it together, roaming the earth. Joan Osborne’s song blew me away. I thought she HAD seen me on a bus. And I would like to formally apologize for 9-11. I was in a deist funk that day I guess.”

Q: “Why is it that you look nothing like we had been picturing you for centuries? Frankly, you bear a much stronger resemblance to, oh, maybe, a Yassir Arafat or Ringo Starr look than the icon we have of you.”

A: “First of all, Yassir and Ringo resemble ME strongly. Secondly, where did you people get the idea I looked like that? I WISH I had hair like that!”

Q: “Would you care to expand upon the Genesis account of the creation?”

A: “Not really but if I don’t, you won’t let up. Genesis was a bet between Lucifer and I. He said you would swallow that stuff about six days, let there be light and so forth. I thought y’all would have caught on long before now. I mean, really, six days to create everything?! What were y’all thinking? You think I’m responsible for Michael Jackson?”

Q: “Since you expelled the tax collectors, would you say you are a Republican or a Democrat?”

A: “Republican?! Would you honestly expect a guy wearing a toga and sandals who looks like Ringo to be anything like ol’ slow witted GW? And although I favor aid to the poor and am against wars, I am more of a libertarian.”

Q: “What do you think of popular culture?”

A: “I hate Christian rock. You think Creed can do a Doors’ song justice? Those groups are worse than ‘boy bands.’ I am not a PETA supporter nor do I enjoy having my name on T-shirts. I haven’t seen any movies lately but I do like Letterman. I have nothing to do with touchdowns being caught or dropped.”

Q: “So which church is closest to what you had in mind?”

A: “None! I am going to have to start all over. You kill pine trees for my alleged birthday? And when I won’t stay dead, rabbits suddenly start laying eggs? Give me a break!”

Suddenly, the Q&A ended as Christ’s security ushered him off stage.

4Dr. Brady Phelps is a professor of psychology. Write to him at [email protected].