Dr. Brady Phelps

This article is intended as satire.

Assume that Jesus Christ came back as prophesied. What is one of the first things he would do?

Hold a press conference, duh!

Here’s how it might go:

Q: “Mr. Christ, where have you been, and why are we hearing from you now?”

A: “What do you want to hear, the truth or what you want to hear? I have been hanging out, gettin’ it together, roaming the earth. Joan Osborne’s song blew me away. I thought she HAD seen me on a bus. And I would like to formally apologize for 9-11. I was in a deist funk that day I guess.”

Q: “Why is it that you look nothing like we had been picturing you for centuries? Frankly, you bear a much stronger resemblance to, oh, maybe, a Yassir Arafat or Ringo Starr look than the icon we have of you.”

A: “First of all, Yassir and Ringo resemble ME strongly. Secondly, where did you people get the idea I looked like that? I WISH I had hair like that!”

Q: “Would you care to expand upon the Genesis account of the creation?”

A: “Not really but if I don’t, you won’t let up. Genesis was a bet between Lucifer and I. He said you would swallow that stuff about six days, let there be light and so forth. I thought y’all would have caught on long before now. I mean, really, six days to create everything?! What were y’all thinking? You think I’m responsible for Michael Jackson?”

Q: “Since you expelled the tax collectors, would you say you are a Republican or a Democrat?”

A: “Republican?! Would you honestly expect a guy wearing a toga and sandals who looks like Ringo to be anything like ol’ slow witted GW? And although I favor aid to the poor and am against wars, I am more of a libertarian.”

Q: “What do you think of popular culture?”

A: “I hate Christian rock. You think Creed can do a Doors’ song justice? Those groups are worse than ‘boy bands.’ I am not a PETA supporter nor do I enjoy having my name on T-shirts. I haven’t seen any movies lately but I do like Letterman. I have nothing to do with touchdowns being caught or dropped.”

Q: “So which church is closest to what you had in mind?”

A: “None! I am going to have to start all over. You kill pine trees for my alleged birthday? And when I won’t stay dead, rabbits suddenly start laying eggs? Give me a break!”

Suddenly, the Q&A ended as Christ’s security ushered him off stage.

4Dr. Brady Phelps is a professor of psychology. Write to him at [email protected].