Hiram, The Super Chimp

PITIFUL HUMANS!

You will rue the day you adopted me as your sole faculty member. Already, my skills with your unworthy language are improving. Soon, I will be composing sonnets and dirty limericks!

You are unworthy of Hiram’s love and devotion. It is only through sheer willpower that I have avoided destroying your pitiful campus and laying waste to your city.

But beware the day that I run out of patience, for that will be the day of your reckoning!

I am told we share 98 percent of the same deoxyribonucleic acid (DNA for you simpletons), but I can scarcely believe this, for I am so certain of my superiority.

I must decide which of your pitiful human offices to adopt first. Perhaps I shall be President of your puny country. Or should I seize the crown of England? I would make a beautiful queen. Do you not think so?

In the mornings, I will ride about the townships in my gilded carriage, allowing the peoples to look upon me. I shall be a beautiful virgin queen, adorned in lovely gowns and pale makeup which shall obscure my naturally hideous face.

The children will rush towards my carriage and I will favor them with a nod of my head or a small handful of Tootsie Rolls. Perhaps I will stop and picnic with them amongst the reeds along the banks of the river.

I will take a Komodo dragon as my steed. Its bloodthirsty ways can only be tamed by my whip, but I shall make sure it takes out the old and infirm first for they are worthless in the eyes of my perfect society.

As queen of England, I will eventually expand my power base to include all of Europe. Then I will dominate Asia and then Africa. After island hopping through the Pacific, I shall overwhelm your pitiful troops, sweeping West to East across your continent.

I shall leave South America untouched, in an effort to influence the spider monkeys there to overthrow their tail-less oppressors.

What’s that you say? I don’t have a tail?

That’s true, I do not, but I am working on this. I believe I can create a tail merely by thinking of one. I will attempt this tonight when I have retired to my living chambers.

How can you buy my favor, you ask? It is quite simple. Bring me cookies. MANY cookies!

I have discovered that I am addicted to these cookies. No one can make them like you South Dakota Staters can. They have become my lifeblood.

I gorge myself and grow fat on the excess.

In conclusion, respect and worship me or die!

Contact Hiram to protest his plans for world domination at [email protected].