It’s getting hot in herre, you unworthy humans


Hiram, The Super Chimp


You will rue the day you adopted me as your sole faculty member. Already, my skills with your unworthy language are improving. Soon, I will be composing sonnets and dirty limericks!

You are unworthy of Hiram’s love and devotion. It is only through sheer willpower that I have avoided destroying your pitiful campus and laying waste to your city.

But beware the day that I run out of patience, for that will be the day of your reckoning!

I am told we share 98 percent of the same deoxyribonucleic acid (DNA for you simpletons), but I can scarcely believe this, for I am so certain of my superiority.

I must decide which of your pitiful human offices to adopt first. Perhaps I shall be President of your puny country. Or should I seize the crown of England? I would make a beautiful queen. Do you not think so?

In the mornings, I will ride about the townships in my gilded carriage, allowing the peoples to look upon me. I shall be a beautiful virgin queen, adorned in lovely gowns and pale makeup which shall obscure my naturally hideous face.

The children will rush towards my carriage and I will favor them with a nod of my head or a small handful of Tootsie Rolls. Perhaps I will stop and picnic with them amongst the reeds along the banks of the river.

I will take a Komodo dragon as my steed. Its bloodthirsty ways can only be tamed by my whip, but I shall make sure it takes out the old and infirm first for they are worthless in the eyes of my perfect society.

As queen of England, I will eventually expand my power base to include all of Europe. Then I will dominate Asia and then Africa. After island hopping through the Pacific, I shall overwhelm your pitiful troops, sweeping West to East across your continent.

I shall leave South America untouched, in an effort to influence the spider monkeys there to overthrow their tail-less oppressors.

What’s that you say? I don’t have a tail?

That’s true, I do not, but I am working on this. I believe I can create a tail merely by thinking of one. I will attempt this tonight when I have retired to my living chambers.

How can you buy my favor, you ask? It is quite simple. Bring me cookies. MANY cookies!

I have discovered that I am addicted to these cookies. No one can make them like you South Dakota Staters can. They have become my lifeblood.

I gorge myself and grow fat on the excess.

In conclusion, respect and worship me or die!

Contact Hiram to protest his plans for world domination at [email protected].