Student forms new country to avoid parking ticket payment

Todd Vanderwerff

Todd Vanderwerff

In protest of parking tickets issued by the University Police Department, sophomore civil engineering major Ted Blackwell seceded his Brown Hall dorm room from the United States last week and formed the sovereign nation of Tedistan, which led to tensions with the government of the United States.

“We have a clear precedent in this matter. Americans may not secede from the union, no matter what their problems with the union may be. We work together as a people to get those problems fixed,” said President George W. Bush.

Blackwell remained inclined to disagree.

“Oh Tedistan, you rockistan, so much-i-stan,” Blackwell sang, attempting to nail down the exact chord structure for his new country’s national anthem on a miniature Casio keyboard.

The only other resident of Tedistan, Blackwell’s roommate Nicholas Cooper, disagrees with Blackwell’s extremist politics.

“Sweet god, will you shut the hell up!” Cooper yelled, tossing a pillow at Blackwell as Blackwell sang. “It’s three in the damn morning!”

While Blackwell was evasive about the matter, Cooper says that Blackwell made the decision to leave the United States when he received a parking ticket after parking in a 20 minute parking space for 25 minutes.

“That day, he came up to the room and he was obviously very angry. He threw a bunch of stuff around and eventually slapped the parking ticket down on the desk. Then he said, ‘That is IT!'” Cooper said.

The next morning, Blackwell had posted a long and rambling document on his front door declaring his independence. Copies were also sent to the President, both houses of Congress, South Dakota’s governor and the residence hall director of Brown hall.

“In a time when all Americans should be coming together, this young man sees fit to flail at the heavenly cords which bind us all together,” Bush said.

After failing to receive the proper respect from the United States government, Blackwell went through the process of setting up a national border.

Every morning, Blackwell has to go through customs to take a shower and then go through customs again to return to his room. Lacking other citizens to work in his customs office, be his ambassador to the United States or clean the country’s highways, Blackwell has assigned all tasks not involving the leadership and direction of Tedistan to Cooper.

“Nick’s the kinda’ guy that’s gonna’ stand up for you no matter what, but he doesn’t really have that much going for him in the way of smarts, so menial labor suits him,” Blackwell said.

“I’m right here!” Cooper shouted from the floor, where he was scrubbing off a particularly nasty patch of human vomit.

For now, international relations between Tedistan and the United States have ground to a halt. Blackwell says he would be immensely happy to rejoin the country he spurned, provided they cancel the parking ticket.

“Tedistan was founded on the principle that you don’t have to pay when you don’t want to and that is why it is truly the most rockistaning country on the face of the rockistaning Earth, he said.”