Hallie Thomas

In a recent survey conducted by the Frank & Goddard publishing group, Dave Matthews has been declared big man on SDSU’s campus. In poster form that is.

The study revealed that the same print of Dave Matthews is hanging in over 95% of campus dormrooms. On the poster, Mr. Matthews clutches an acoustic guitar in front of a purpley background. It’s an image that seems to inspire Jackrabbits.

“When I wake up in the morning, I look over at Dave and I think: love is the answer, yeah, everyday,” said freshman music major Bill Lunduhy.

This singer-songwriter has long been an force on campus, but it wasn’t until recently that his dorm room penetration exceeded 90%.

“He puts up some pretty impressive numbers,” said Walter Frank of Frank & Goddard, “I haven’t seen a percentage that high since ‘Animal House.'”

Not everyone on campus is excited about D.M.’s success.

Keisto Hemmer, junior general registration major, is the president of Dave Sucks, Jesus Rules, an underground organization concerned about the poster’s massive following.

“Dave Matthews is this generation’s golden calf,” says Hemmer, “He will lead the young people into debauchery and godlessness. Just listen to his lyrics. ‘Crash’ is a blatant anthem of promiscuous pre-marital sex and that ‘Ants Marching’ is nothing but a LSD trip presented with an annoying horn section.”

Hemmer also charges that Frank & Goddard’s surveys are biased.

“I don’t understand how Dave Matthews gets his own category while all of Christianity is shamelessly grouped into the single category of religious art,” says Hemmer, “I mean, he’s one man, one poster. We have to share space with the Hindus and the Buddhists.”

Despite the objections from a few members of the student body, the poster still exercises a tremendous power over much of the campus.

“Sometimes I sit on the couch under my loft and I imagine myself under the table and dreaming,”said Lunduhy, “Then I usually hear a soft voice say ‘Get up Bill. Do your homework and call your mother.’ I don’t know how to explain it. He’s just that moving.”