Call Me Dr. Hook


“Rocco Tschetter”

With one swift motion, Dr. Hook grabbed a baby goat by the back of the neck with one hand while the other crushed the testicles of the young animal.

“You can pet him you want,” he said. “He wont bite you now. I’m gonna put a ring around his nuts to keep him from fuckin’ around.”

This may sound a little extreme, but if there’s one thing Dr. Hook knows about, it’s goats. He’s been operating his Double O Goat Ranch for as long as many under the age of 40 can remember. His ranch is not limited to goats; there’s a good size collection of pot-bellied pigs and assorted cows, sheep, chickens and “wild turkeys,” as Doc calls them. Although, if they are actually wild is questionable.

Dr. Hook is an unforgettable character. Dressed almost always in bib overalls and work boots, he wears a medium large dark beard and kidney belt reading, “Dr. Hook, Double 0 Goat Ranch,” he looks like a younger version of Uncle Jesse from the Dukes of Hazard with a knack for self promotion.

The kidney belt isn’t for show, regardless of how flamboyantly macho it might appear. It’s there to help Hook walk. During his senior year of high school his car went off the road striking a tree, thus rattling Hook’s marbles a little loose. He was in a coma for several weeks and had to learn to walk and talk again. It took two years for Hook to return to high school and finish his senior year.

While in recovery from his accident, two of Hook’s school friends brought him a copy of Playboy as “get well” reading material. This could account for his sexually aggressive nature toward the fairer sex. He is known to ask women to show their nipples and will grab the occasional crotch, ass or breast if given the chance. This behavior probably stems from Hook’s frustrations with women. Before the accident he was a star wrestler for Huron High School and quite attractive. He took Cheryl Ladd of Charlie’s Angeles fame to Cherry Prom at Huron High School, where they were classmates.

“I got to suck on her titties,” Hook says with a smile and a giggle.

After making it to second base with one of the hottest TV babes of the late ’70s, it must be difficult to have one’s sexual options nearly eliminated due to circumstances beyond control.

But Dr. Hook has always looked forward. With an unsurpassed dedication to his goats, Hook’s attempted to bring his goats into places such as restaurants and bars, only to be cruelly expelled from such establishments. His devotion to his animals well-being resulted in the custom fabrication of a 1964 Ford Falcon. Nicknamed “The Ambulance” and “The Fal Cone [a humorous mispronunciation of Falcon],” the interior upholstery and back seat has been removed to expose bare metal that a steel post has been welded to; the post is there to chain goats to. The name “The Ambulance” stems from the vehicle being used to take sick and injured goats to the veterinarian.

Hook has two other passions besides his animals: the game of dominos and “catching a buzz.” On many Thursday nights, a group of local rowdies assemble at “the Fort,” Dr. Hook’s private club located above the equipment garage at Double O Goat Ranch. The group partakes in heavy marijuana and alcohol consumption over marathon sessions of dominos.

The first question Dr. Hook asks of his guests is, “Do you have any smoke? How about beer?” His meager income from disability and Double O Goat Ranch cause him to be frugal with his stash. But he will share if only one or two people show up.

Most who attend the Fort get their kicks doing small things that annoy Dr. Hook: shaking the table

to knock over dominos is a prime example. Such actions cause Hook to briefly lose his temper and threaten his guests with a “throat punch.” Extreme behavior is dealt with by Hook banishing the offending domino player from the Fort to their vehicles in half-hour increments. The bare minimum of one half-hour being the most common punishment.

One day Dr. Hook’s love for his goats and marijuana got him in a little trouble. While driving home in The Ambulance with one of his beloved goats in the back, he was pulled over by a State Trooper. A rare occurrence on the back roads Hook lives on. The Ambulance had a missing headlight. Before the State Trooper rudely interrupted him, Hook was enjoying a refreshing bowl of marijuana. He quickly stashed the still smoldering pipe in the breast pocket of his overalls when the Trooper approached his car.

Hook was arrested. His pipe and bag of pot were quickly confiscated. His car was searched, forcing the lawman to dig through the mud and goat shit that littered the rear of the car.

The State Trooper questioned Dr. Hook on his involvement with the drug trade. He asked Hook if he sells marijuana to others, hoping to make a big bust in rural South Dakota.

“Hell no,” Hook quickly answered. “I can’t even get enough for myself.”