Hobo Sex: Hazardous to Health

Matthew Gruchow

Matthew Gruchow

It’s nearing 2 a.m. as I write this. I’ve been up for nearly 24 hours and have worked my way through a bottle of my favorite wine. The fear of mental collapse from exhaustion is very real now. My brain is anchored to reality only by the loosest of moorings. You may soon feel like this if you participate in the savagely fun time we call Hobo Days.

Yes, that orgy of sport, drink, sex and all manner of madness is upon us again. For those who have survived rather unscathed from Hobo Days gone by, the memory of them lingers like a hangover. So, should you choose to plunge headlong into the fray, as your sex columnist, allow me to offer some Hobo Day sexual survival advice.

Hobo Sex Rule #1: Liquor is your friend and enemy. Liquor will not make the fat skinny, the bum rich or enhance your sexual performance. Men, if she’s Medusa by day, she won’t be Halle Berry after your ninth vodka. Not to mention Mr. Johnson may retire for the evening long before you do, if you catch my drift.

Hobo Sex Rule #2: Should you find yourself waking up next to someone you don’t know, in a place you don’t remember going, at least tell the lover ‘thank you’ before fleeing.

Hobo Sex Rule #3: No fires, riots, fighting, etc. Or you will become acquainted with prison sex. As someone who’s worked in a prison, let me tell you, sex in prison is nothing like in the porn movies.

Hobo Sex Rule #4: Obey … oh, what the hell am I saying. Pass me a beer. Brace yourself. Watch for cars. Be careful. Buy the ticket for this craziness and enjoy the ride. This is a rite of passage. And in the morning when you are popping aspirin and shunning bright light, remember, your sex columnist warned you, and if you don’t play the sex game safe this time, a hangover may be the least of your worries.

Cheers.For answers to sex questions for all occasions, contact Matt at [email protected].