Sarcastic Cynicisms

Roxy Hammond

Roxy Hammond

Just when you thought you could get rid of me, the fools at The Collegian hire me back on. For those very, very few of you that have been keeping track, this is my fourth year of ruffling your feathers here at SDSU.

Notice, however, that I didn’t say my LAST year. That’s because I love this college so much, I’m going to stick around for an extra year.

Okay, so that’s a lie. I’m really not that attached to SDSU, and every class I attend nowadays makes me want to hold myself and cry because quite frankly, I’m sick of studying. But alas, I am an overachiever, and I’ve got to finish what I started.

Everyone keeps asking me, “You’re a senior this year? So are you getting ready for graduation?”

Oh yeah, just rub it in. I’m supposed to graduate after four years or something. Seriously though, who does that? Not this girl!

I’ve decided that I’m going to become a professional student. I’m never going to graduate, I’m just going to hang out at SDSU and pay them thousands of dollars to prepare me for my future…all the while never planning to have one.

I mean, that’s got to have its benefits, right? Such benefits include a constant state of socially-accepted public drunkenness and mooching off your parents because you’re ‘in school.’

Not to mention the generic-brand food stocked in your cupboards because most of your money goes towards booze anyway, and the sweet discounts you get on pizza and everything else since you are so poor. Most importantly, though, is the fact that people with real jobs expect nothing less of you.

Think Van Wilder: the incredibly sexy Ryan Reynolds living in his ridiculously large and impressive dorm room and getting the finest ladies (although I would have picked someone other than Tara Reid, personally). Perfect, right? Absolutely. Realistic? Maybe if your daddy can afford $30,000 a year for tuition and doesn’t love you enough to ask you why you haven’t graduated after almost a decade.

Unfortunately, or maybe fortunately, my parents do keep tabs on me. And even though they don’t pay for my college, they might revoke my cell phone and insurance payments if I start failing out.

Alas, back to my plans of being a professional student. I want to go to law school after I finish up my bachelor’s degrees, so that’s yet another three years of drowning myself in books before I’m expected to show for it. That’s eight years of my life spent being ‘educated.’

I really, and I mean REALLY, hope I don’t have a mid-life crisis and realize I don’t love what I’m doing and want to go back to school for something else. I’m fickle and this is a very legitimate fear for me. So I’m triple majoring, hoping I’ll just cover it all now and get the crap out of here and never look back.

But I will look back. I’ll look back at all the hours I’ve spent at my desk whining about all the homework I have to do, at all the hours I’ve spent in a classroom, at all the years I’ve taken off my life worrying about failing tests in Dr. Burns’ classes…

I will look back at that. But I’ll also look back at all the fun things I’ve got to do with all the cool people I’ve met here, and remember what it was like to be semi-carefree and irresponsible…and realize that college really is the best years of your life.

Maybe being a professional student isn’t such a bad idea after all.

#1.884317:303082223.jpg:roxyhammond_cj.jpg:Roxy Hammond, Sarcastic Cynicisms:Charlie Johnson