Attack of the eight-legged terror!

Danny Andrews

Danny Andrews

There is a war going on in our country today. A vicious, sloppy war where our sons and daughters, our brothers and sisters, our loved ones fall victim to our enemy everyday.

This war that I speak of is my personal crusade against an enemy that lives here on our home territory, even inside our homes. The enemy? Eight-legged spawns of hell that call themselves Arachnids, or simply, Spider.

Spiders are creepy. They have eight legs and fangs that contain necrotic (see: tissue-killing) venom. They spin webs that smack you in the face while you’re out for a walk in the park and give off a really freaky vibe.

My story begins on an ordinary day. I was a bright-eyed, healthy young man just on my way home from helping orphans learn to ride bicycles. I was about to open the door to my palatial mansion when a dark nickel-sized speck struck my heart with dread terror. Sitting near my door, awaiting my plump, well-fed hand was, as I have come to dub him, Alpha Spider.

Now this is no mere spider, mind you. That is why he is called “Alpha.” He is the mold from which all other arachnids were cast. He was the first, birthed in some dark recess of some unholy realm. He lives only to make young men named Danny scream and weep like a school girl.

For scream I did, readers. Loud and shrill and piercing, my scream tore from my throat as if from some other being. All the while Alpha Spider was sitting serenely, savoring the terror he wrought.

I immediately jumped backwards (see: fainted) and sprinted to the back door, safe for the moment. Live and let live, I thought.

Then, the next day, I saw the message the beast left for me to see. A single feather was in the middle of the tattered web. Alpha Spider killed and ate a bird. What’s next, children? I knew that I was the only one to stop this attack on America.

My plan to destroy Alpha Spider was soon hatched. With my roommates as my personal army, we went about the creature’s genocide.

Our first attack was a feint into its territory for reconnaissance. Know thy enemy, friends.

Seeing the size and the girth of such a demonic entity, we decided against the usual grab-it-with-a-wad-of-toilet-paper-and-flush-it routine, opting instead for something far more daring: two boards. I would crush the beast between these monoliths of lumber.

Not only did this not kill it, it only made it angry. Alpha Spider leapt from its perch and assaulted my feet. My girlish scream alerted my back-up contingency, my roommate Gary, with a power washer.

This righteous spray of justice cleaned the deck with its holy power. Except, no body was recovered. What happened to Alpha Spider, the world may never know. Perhaps, it is waiting and recovering for the counterattack in the war. But I know one thing: I will remain ready and waiting.

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