Stolen bike transports lazy thief

Brian Kimmes

Brian Kimmes

One sunny afternoon, I departed The Union to bike home and get some food. I encountered one main problem, though – my bike was gone. Some rapscallion stole my bike. I was greatly disheartened.

So instead of getting dinner, I decided to go on a mission to find my bike. I thought about who would steal my bike and where it might be on campus. I decided it was not somebody who lived off campus, because off-campus people usually drive and have no need for a bike.

Because I was at The Union, I ruled out the possibility that somebody from Brown, Pierson or Mathews stole it because of close proximity to The Union. I thought that maybe somebody from the Larson Complex area stole it. So I walked over to Young and Binnewies, but did not see my missing bike.

Next, I thought maybe the rascals on the west side of campus had a part to play in the bike tragedy. I trucked over to Hansen, Bailey and Berg Halls to search. Alas, the bike was nowhere to be found.

Hope was fading fast. I vowed that throughout the next few weeks, I would make pilgrimages to the Larson Complex and to Hansen Hall, as well as constantly look at any bike on campus, in hopes that I may find mine.

While on my bike-finding mission, a few thoughts ran through my head. I’m not proud to admit it, but my first thought was to steal somebody else’s bike. I did not want to walk home, and I needed a new bike. I then thought the owner of the bike I stole could then steal somebody else’s bike, and a chain would form. I decided against that option. I would just continue looking for my bike and not make another suffer the same sense of loss and sadness that plagued me.

Fortunately, I did not have to make any pilgrimages throughout the next few weeks. Later that night, I discovered by bike sitting outside the HPER. It was propped up in the bike rack, unlocked. Feelings of bewilderment and joy overtook me. I grabbed my bike back before the jackal could take it once again.

So it appeared that somebody took my bike, and then biked from The Union to the HPER. If that is what happened, it is outrageous. It makes no sense. Who the hell steals a bike and then bikes 100 feet? How lazy or late was that person? I cannot imagine he or she was lazy, because he or she was at the HPER, presumably working out. So how late was this person that he or she needed to gain 30 seconds? I don’t get it.

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