Jukebox hero-worship thrives

Roxy Hammond

Roxy Hammond

I have a fever. And the only cure is more Guitar Hero.

Yes, I have been bitten by the rock star bug. I was first introduced to the highly addictive game last year, but this year has allowed my addiction to flourish. Instead of going out, my friends and I sometimes drink and challenge each other to rendition after rendition of “Psychobilly Freak-out,” and other classics that kick your coordination’s butt.

Am I good? Uh, no. I can get by in the low nineties on the Medium setting, but that’s only when I’m playing my A-Game. Otherwise, I look like a gaping-mouthed product-of-two-cousins wailing away on those damn little colored keys, about two seconds after the note was supposed to be played.

But, in my defense, I did play clarinet for like five years, so I’m not completely musically retarded. However, sometimes that does not matter when you have to switch from blue to red to yellow to green within one count.

We convinced my mom and dad to buy Guitar Hero 3 for Christmas this year. Needless to say, my two younger sisters and I sat around in our pajamas all day and made our fingers ache with enjoyment. We even convinced my parents to pick up the guitars once, just so we could giggle as they failed the song within the first 30 seconds.

They both retired from the game early on, realizing that their age prohibited them from being cool enough to play. I think the South Park episode had it right.

After spending hours battling my sisters and friends at the game, I’ve found that I have ruined several songs for myself. Well, maybe not ruined. Maybe just-enhanced.

You see, I’ll be driving along in my car, and “Slow Ride” by Foghat will come on, and instead of enjoying a great classic tune, my left fingers will start to twitch, my right hand with start to strum, and visions of Guitar Hero will dance in my head.

There are about two dozen songs that do this to me-a combination of Guitar Hero 2 and 3, and my obsession with both.

I know I’m not alone in this phenomenon-I have discussed it with my regular playing buddies. I have also witnessed their eyes glaze over, the drool form in the corners of their mouth, and the slight twitch they get as they dream about activating star power.

Just the other day I was riding along with a friend when “Barracuda” by Heart came on, and we both exclaimed in unison “This part is so hard!” Wow. I’ve officially passed into the realm of super dork.

It’s like a disease. A disease that makes you look inherently cooler with a plastic guitar strapped around your body. I’m pretty anti-video game, but this one has me hooked. If I owned a PlayStation 2 or a plastic guitar, I’d probably fail all of my classes. But thank god, I am too poor for that.

Now if you’ll excuse me, “Free Bird” just came on. I’ve got some fantasies to live.

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