Newbie looks forward to his first Pub Crawl

Kyle Lessman

Kyle Lessman

The illusive Pub Crawl: minors dream about it, those of age brag about it and everyone has heard stories about it. Officially, it is known as St. Patrick’s Day Pub Parade.

As an “of-age” newbie, I have not personally experienced Pub Crawl for myself, but I have experienced the aftermath, and boy have I heard some stories.

There is something about an early-afternoon drinking binge that seems so entirely college. I mean, scores of drunk college students stumbling from bar to bar seeing how many beers they are able to chug before throwing up or passing out. This is the stuff of college lore, so eloquently captured in those great cinematic feats of American Pie and Van Wilder. But really, can all of this drunken debauchery live up to all of the hype?

Attempting to answer this question, I pulled out my notebook and started talking to people. This task, however, proved harder than it would seem. Nearly all of my informants provided me with one common answer: “Honestly, I don’t really remember too much of it, but it looked like I had fun in the 98 pictures that I took.”

I refused to give in to this cop-out of an answer and pushed on. As I trudged through their beer-hazed memories, I began to piece together stories so absurd, so shocking and so graphic that I’m not even sure if they are fit to print, but I’m going to tell you about them anyway.

I heard tales of random make-outs, vomit, and then more random make-outs, dancing on tables, the overwhelming desire to lie down for a rest in the middle of the street, picking up and eating pizza off of the beer- and mud-saturated ground and eventually passing out before the sun went down.

As unsettling as these accounts may seem, there was an underlying theme to each conversation that I had with these past pub crawlers. It is simply that of college students joining together for an afternoon of fun and camaraderie. However, there was one involving a goat, a trampoline and a kiddy pool full of Jell-O, but that is a whole other column.

I feel that my investigations into the lore of Pub Crawl uncovered a number of things. First, don’t eat anything off of the ground; second, leave your camera at home; and third, be sure to bring a pack of gum along so you can freshen up for your next random make-out. As for living up to the hype, I guess that I will just have to wait and see for myself.

#1.882682:1036782643.jpg:lessman,kyle.jpg:Kyle Lessman: