Oh great and wise ball: What is in my dating future?

Kyle Jameson

Kyle Jameson

Answer: this will happen if you make the wrong first impression on a date.

What is getting slapped in the face?

Ok, maybe it’s a bad idea that I am writing while watching Jeopardy, but I assure you that reading this column will be as rewarding as listening to Alex Trebek pronounce non-English words.

Everyone has, to some extent, the desire to be desired. In the dating world, taking the wrong first step can be detrimental to one’s self-confidence. Conquering this predicament is why I want to offer a simple decision making solution: let someone or something make the decision for you. Case in point, you should turn to the one true unbiased source of decision-making: the Magic 8 Ball (M8B).

I know what you’re thinking, “I read two paragraphs to find out you’re offering up a toy as the savior for my dating woes?” Yes I am, because if you get bad advice from a friend, it would be unwise to smash their head against a wall, but if M8B messes up – smash away!

But before you run off and test my method, there are a few things you should know about the M8B. M8B answers in simple phrases that may be misconstrued. Fortunately, I can translate for M8B. Let’s take the following scenario and explore some common answers: Magic 8 Ball, should I ask Danielle/Tim out?

M8B says, “Signs point to yes.” Beware of this answer, because signs also point to dead ends and falling rocks. M8B really means that you should run away from Danielle/Tim as fast as you can.

M8B says, “Ask again later.” At first, you might be mad, because M8B is a toy and should have a pretty open schedule. But what M8B is hinting at is that you should clear your head, assess the situation and return to M8B with a rephrased question.

M8B says, “Yes – definitely.” Once again, you think this answer is good, but you were fooled again. The M dash indicates that M8B’s thought was interrupted. M8B is questioning its first response and there is no room for uncertainty when Danielle is looking good in those new Uggs (if Tim is wearing Uggs, he may not be the man for you anyhow).

M8B says, “Don’t count on it.” This answer is like an untrustworthy acquaintance, in that they usually won’t pull through in clutch situations, but sometimes they surprise us. M8B translation: there’s still a chance; go for it.

M8B says, “Reply hazy, try again.” M8B is recovering from an all-night bender with the 20 Q game and you definitely should try again ? much later.

M8B says, “My sources say no.” The M8B went through the trouble of researching your response and you should definitely listen to it. I think we all know how utterly painful and time consuming it is citing your sources for a paper (not to mention the crying).

With all of this grey area surrounding M8B’s answers, I want you to find comfort it this final response. M8B says, “Without a doubt.” There is no uncertainty in that answer. Go forth with confidence. And remember, if M8B turns out to be wrong, you may climb the 180 steps in the Campanile and see how long it takes M8B to reach Medary Avenue.