Brady C. Mallory

When a friend of mine considered helping a stranger who listed a potential moving job on craigslist.com, it dawned on me that the vast majority of college students are feeling the pressures relating to this financial crisis. Now that the $700 billion bailout is in motion, I cannot stress enough how important fiscal responsibility is for both the young and the old. My social circle will surely attest that I am not capable of copying math equations, let alone successfully completing them with my limited intellectual capabilities. However, if you overlook this personal flaw, I can surely give you the soundest financial advice you will ever receive: make friends with rich people.

Rich friends, like a first aid kit or a Hall & Oates greatest hits cassette tape, are handy entities to keep around the house. At a young age while playing a game of pin-the-tail on the donkey at a friend’s 10th birthday, I realized what I truly wanted in life. I wanted to party with rich people. At that point, my young persona thought, “Wait, I should never think that because true friendship transcends anything and is always more important than financial worth.” My commendable assertion flew out the window when I realized the party favors consisted of an apple and birdhouse kit housed in a cozy brown paper bag. It goes without saying that I traded homemade paper games and birthday party sloppy joes for go-carts and Chucky Cheese catered affairs, and I have never looked back. Rich friends have the best parties, food, cars, sports equipment and other superficial necessities that will probably make you happy, at least for a little while.

I am sure your friends are very nice, but if they do not have a stable income, otherwise known as a trust fund, I think it is time you bid them a fond farewell. Sure, they were with you when your girlfriend broke your heart or when you did not win the regional debate competition. That was very nice of them, but kindness will not buy a new iPod touch, will it? Let’s face it, these people, however nice they may be, are slowing you down with their lack of currency. Rich friends have the two very important attributes that I find next to godliness, which of course are access to daddy’s bank account, as well as the social insecurities that cause them to make extravagant purchases in order to keep friends.

Some people do not have to work hard because affluence is their birthright. I was fortunate enough to have millionaire family members, such as my beloved grandmother, Helen, and her younger sister, my eccentric great aunt Delores. However, we are not all blessed in that area, so we have to get creative. The country club, symphonies and Starbucks are the best places to spot these opulent future comrades. If you are willing to put the extra time in, you can always formulate relationships with pharmacy or pre-med majors. You may have absolutely nothing in common with what’s-his-face-med-student, but rest assured that he will one day be Doctor-what’s-his-face-med-student.

I work part time, while being involved with extracurricular activities full time. I don’t even want to get into the cluster of classes that I am taking that I am told have everything to do with my major. With that type of schedule, not to mention moonlighting as a James Van Der Beek look-alike, I am not able to acquire the funds to pay my bills and live beyond my means like most of America. Nobody can ever say that I am lazy and without motivation, because I know my lifelong ambitions to work in television will culminate to selling my soul to the highest bidder. I am fairly certain I have a good five years before I join the ranks of the lucky few whose castrating, six-figure careers lead to nightly crying in the dark. Until then, I must rely on what my animalistic instincts tell me. My actions, forgoing real friends for rich friends, are purely exercising social Darwinism.