Weak Detroit Lions produce dry turkey TV feast

Zach Perry

Zach Perry

There is a lot to be thankful for in the world of sports right now.

The NFL is hitting the playoff run stretch, college football championships are set and college basketball is gearing up. Yep, it’s a great time to be a sports fan.

Unless, that is, you were watching the Titans-Lions on Thanksgiving Day.

It’s probably obvious to most NFL fans that the Detroit Lions should never be allowed to play on national television ? EVER! But this fact has somehow escaped CBS, so we’re annually forced to watch thousands – oh, who am I kidding – hundreds of Lions fans show up to Ford Field with bags on their heads in anticipation of another holiday drubbing.

Well, Happy Thanksgiving Detroit!

I know that eating turkey makes me drowsy, so I was holding off to see what kind of game I might get. After quickly falling behind 7-3, the Lions showed their true colors by allowing Titans running back Chris Johnson to run straight down the middle of the field untouched for a 58-yard touchdown.

I can almost see the next Madden NFL video game preview now:

“It’s easier than ever to get into the action with the new and improved game play tailored specifically to each team. Try the Detroit Lions ‘gaping hole’ defense, complete with sporadically diving defenders and the new embarrassment meter.”

Later in the first quarter, Lions quarterback Daunte Culpepper threw a horrible interception to a 277-pound defensive lineman and stood idly by as the big man rumbled in for a score. Literally, Culpepper just stood there and watched. I think he just enjoys seeing himself throw touchdowns of any kind.

I wish the cameras would have stayed on him. I wonder if – when no one was looking – he did his “keep it rollin'” celebration just for old time sake.

It’s 21-3 after just one quarter. At this point, I realize I’ve made a terrible mistake. Instead of waiting for the inevitable, I should have been shoveling turkey in my mouth by the fistfuls before the game even started. That way I would have been able to sleep through at least a majority of it. Even if I start my poultry binge now, I’ll still be awake for the next two quarters.

By halftime the score is 35-10, and I find out that I will be treated to a performance by Jesse McCartney. Now I have to leave the couch, because the half-bird I practically swallowed whole is not kicking in fast enough.

Interestingly, McCartney performed a song titled “Leavin.” When the second half starts, it seems that most of the Lions fans have taken his words to heart.

The second half was more of the same – Detroit playing horribly, the Titans trying to run down the clock for an entire half while somehow still running up the score with field goals and me, suffering from tryptophan poisoning and wondering how my Thanksgiving had come to this. Next year, I’m having turkey for breakfast.