Brady C. Mallory

Little unplanned moments in life are truly the biggest and most real experiences that we can collect in our quest towards true humanity. My older sister, Jayme, is pregnant with her and her husband’s first child. She let me touch her stomach, and I felt her baby, my niece or nephew, hiccup. I did not even know this was possible and it was an organic moment in a world full of pseudo happenings and ubiquitous sameness. I am excited to be an uncle, but do not tell anyone – it might destroy my reputation.

Truthfully, I cannot stand children, do not know how to connect with them and unapologetically have no interest in them. I think children today are spoiled, lazy, rude and unruly. However, the new parents are often to blame for not teaching these little nuggets how to function in society.

I am not worried about my sister and her impending motherhood. She is a third grade teacher, and her colleagues, students and parents laud her classroom control. I witnessed a child burst into tears when she caught him disobeying her rules. All she did was look at him. This combination of fear and respect are heavily missing from current upbringings.

I do not think children should be fearful of the adults in their life. I also do not think adults should fear the little monsters that the fruits of their loins have become. The mothers and fathers who sit idly by while their child runs around a restaurant pouring salt everywhere should be forced to watch Paris Hilton’s My New BFF as punishment.

Last Christmas, I worked at the Youth Activity Center in order to recoup some of the cash I had spent on holiday shopping. At the YAC, I was admiring an atrociously heinous rhinestone-bedazzled purse, when its owner accosted me. I was disturbed when I heard a deep voice threaten violence on my body if I touched her craftsy handbag. This girl was nine, and she promised to SHANK ME.

The sad truth is we are not teaching these new generations the things that they will need for their adult lives. They do not need to be coddled every second of their lives. I witnessed a child take a hard fall after running too fast in a public place where one should not be running. Amidst the feigning of sympathies, I simply looked him in the eye and nonchalantly said, “Well, that will teach you not to run so fast next time.” I was hurt all the time as a child, and I reaped the benefits of hard lessons learned. At age 21, I certainly know not to swing off of the monkey bars during a rainstorm. Unlike today’s children, my sisters and I were always very respectful to adults and other children, and simply talked about them behind their backs when they weren’t around. It is a little thing I like to call “manners.”

I am going to be an uncle in January. My prayer is that this little tyke will grow up with all of the love and lessons I had. I am serious when I say that I felt a connection to this being I have not met yet. In some ways, life begins in an entirely new way. This little parasite that has been growing in my sister’s womb is lucky to have the family it has. Trust me, I know from experience. I hope I can teach my niece or nephew how to live life, and give it the strength, knowledge and love to properly navigate through every curveball. In retaliation towards Jayme for years of abuse inflicted on her cute little brother, I also plan to teach it swear words and a disregard for property in order to make a substantial part of her parenting years a living hell. Yes, I believe children should have guidance. I also believe that my sister should have the payback she so rightfully deserves.