Where are the bailout billions?

Mitch Leclair

Mitch Leclair

President of the Federal Reserve Bank of New York and United States Secretary of the Treasury.

I don’t think Timothy Geithner could hold two duller-sounding positions. He’s been in the news lately, but with those names, I don’t blame people for a lack of interest.

Maybe it’s for pick-up line material. No, he’s a married man, and he probably shouldn’t even try to get girls with those professional titles.

Sure, Geithner’s spent his career in the Council on Foreign Relations, the International Monetary Fund and the Group of Thirty, so he’s obviously familiar with market manipulation. This new job should be a great fit.

I just don’t understand why a person would want to control the American public’s collective checkbook, much less be stricken with such an ugly moniker.

I guess it would be his signature on all the new bills – that would be a major ego-booster. Plenty of greenbacks are being printed lately, so his swipes and swirls might soon be well-known throughout the Homeland (a little weird without “Security Department,” isn’t it?).

Geithner’s spent the last five years heading a branch of our country’s central bank, an institution that would make Julius Caesar proud. Perhaps he craves the power his pen could wield, approving all that fiat money.

The very definition of fiat money – legal tender authorized by a government but not based on or convertible into gold or silver – should drive people crazy. Especially these days, with hundreds of billions of our dollars being sent to ? I mean, spent on ? um ? where the hell did that first $350 billion go?

Unfortunately, we think that economics is only for the number crunchers, the math nerds, the “boring” people like Timothy Geithner.

People that screw up TurboTax. They should be in control.

In my opinion, it’s about time we regular folk are allowed to stick our wallets back in our own pockets.

I’m tired of officials telling me what’s best for my bank account. I’m sick of so-called professional types in Washington admitting they made up the bailout’s $700 billion figure.

I no longer want my peers to receive a few hundred bucks in the mail instead of me, just because I am “claimed differently” or fall into a different “bracket.” In fact, I’d like to know where that money is coming from anyway.

I don’t think I’m preaching from a church made of ignorance either. I know money is simply a measure of the value people place on different goods and services in their lives.

I also know that value is rightfully determined freely by individuals, not by a group of old, rotten clams “doing the math” in some stuffy high-rise.

And while I can’t exactly think of a sexier job title to give our friend Mr. Geithner, I am going to bestow on him a new last name: Heithner, as in the heightener. Let’s just call him the new Raiser and Inflator of Public Debt.

At least we don’t have to look at Henry Paulson’s face any longer.