Mallory, Brady

I have been skirting around an issue for this entire year, and, my friends, we need to talk about it. You see, some of you may not know this, but not everyone always appreciates my column. While perusing The Collegian Web site in the early afternoon hours on Monday, my greenish-brown eyes spotted another comment from an anonymous secret admirer, Old Alum.

Old Alum, which is merely a pseudo-name that in no way identifies whomever this person is, continuously posts opinions underneath the Internet version of my stories. Old Alum has called me everything from dumb, unimaginative and – my favorite, a himbo – which is a male bimbo. Actually, by definition that would be a mimbo, but I digress.

One would think that all of this negative attention would cause me to become indignant, thus rendering myself into a useless mess of hysteria that constantly listens to Lionel Richie in a blanket of darkness. I am actually deeply flattered by these subtle flirtations from my mystery lover, Old Alum. This name calling can certainly be allusions to harmless elementary school flirting in the vain of a child throwing an object at the miniature tyke of his/her affection. Though I suspect that this person is possibly middle-aged, I think it is adorable nonetheless.

When I toil over this column every week, carefully constructing my words to provide humor and wisdom to my peers, I always hope that someone outside of this demographic will choose to spend valuable time reading me. As a whole, this community knows of the tangible hardships that are afflicting our surroundings. CNN reports that the death toll from the Italy earthquake reached 207, while 1,500 are injured and 50,000 are homeless. Let us not forget the economy crisis in the United States that is tiptoeing ever more closely to a depression. Of course, we are all aware of our friends in North Dakota who are emerging as one in the midst of floodwaters.

The aforementioned reasons verify that Old Alum does not have true animosity towards this ever-eager college student with the passion for writing. Old Alum could pick up the New York Times, Wall Street Journal or visit CNN.com, but no, Old Alum is faithful to my forays into literary existence. I am proud of The Collegian and well aware of the breadth of wonderful stories that these young professionals create for our students and our alumni. Again, Old Alum, you could read a number of other pieces, but, likened to the chocolate-addicted boy in lederhosen in the Willy Wonka movie, you keep coming back for more.

True, I have had many accolades in my life that seemed pretty substantial until I caught the twitching eye of my pseudonymous suitor. These include being selected as the male recipient in Minnesota of the prestigious Al Neuharth Free Spirit Journalism scholarship, earning the Tom P. Horan Award for my community volunteering, given the honor of speaking at Relay for Life in my hometown for the past four years, not to mention the time when I competed at the District Spelling Bee in the eighth grade. I remember the great feeling I got at my senior prom when I helped my best friend, who suffered paralysis months earlier as the result of a hockey injury, walk with his girlfriend across the stage during Grand March.

All that, Old Alum, pales in comparison to the affection you have shown me. Someday I hope that we can have coffee together, and perhaps we can reminisce about this year, and perhaps braid each other’s hair while watching the new Jonas Brothers DVD. I know that we would be best friends.