What kind of President do we need?

Josh Chilson

Josh Chilson

Barack Obama was elected as the first African-American president last November and has since then had a presidency of being the first African-American president to do anything as an African American president. Elected in a landslide, Obama has been a fairly popular president thus far.

However, the “honeymoon” period of his term appears to have ended as he faces many growing challenges, like all the bad stuff they talk about on TV.

He has been accused of being too soft on defense, too liberal concerning the growth of government, too conservative concerning the usage of potpourri in the Oval Office after burrito night.

So how is a president to cope with these issues and accusations?

Obama obviously has to be more tactful about issues than the average American would be.

I solve all my problems with my fists. Like right now my stupid ‘S’-key is stuck, it just makes me cxgdfsdfs? There, problem solved.

Joe the Plumber might simply give presidential swirlies to anyone that doubted him. No, the President needs to think with his brains. He must not think too much, though, as he is also being accused of being not sufficiently emotional on some issues. Too much talking, not enough action.

According to these skeptics, Obama could learn something from the burgeoning super-hero industry. Sporting a colorful cape and utility belt with detachable ninja-pens might win him some points. He would need to be a hero with depth, though, or critics might pan him. If some aspect of his psyche was tortured, such as always being picked last for the world-leader soccer game, he might be more believable, more relatable.

If Obama is ever stumped on what to do next, he need only look back at the history of his own profession. Some of the most successful and electable people of all time have been presidents. Just look at and follow their examples, and someday Obama could be on Mt. Rushmore, or perhaps the $12 bill.

George Washington is synonymous with everything good in America. If Obama wishes to emulate him, he need only start a new country and be its first president.

Abraham Lincoln remains one of the most popular Americans of all time. To follow his example, Obama could free all the slaves and wear an awesome hat. He only would need to find some slaves and an awesome hat. The bookstore has a couple pretty neat ones, I noticed.

Why, even our own President Chicoine has something to teach Obama. No one would dare stand up to the head of our fair university. Why is that? Because Chicoine possesses a glorious moustache. A mere twitch of it is as influential as Arnold Schwarzenegger flexing his pecs or “I Dream of Jeannie” ‘s titular genie wiggling her nose. He gets what he wants. To be the most powerful man in the world, Obama need only to possess the most powerful facial hair.

Obama should be more open with journalists. I called him several times attempting to interview him for this story and I the closest I got to him was an answering machine informing me of White House tour dates and times. If he hasn’t the time for The Collegian, then he obviously doesn’t have time for America.

So what do we need in a president? There is no real answer. Everyone desires different elements in a president, and it would be simply impossible to try. A U.S. president simply cannot please everyone; there are simply too many interns out there. Nor can they satisfy everyone in America.

My unsolicited advice for the president? Get used to people not liking you. It works great for me, anyway.