Brady C. Mallory

If I were concerned about how people perceived me, I am sure I would participate in strenuous workouts, wear meticulous ensembles of name-brand-only clothing and strategically place blond highlights in my David Beckham-ish haircut. All of those things, which I do, are not for purposes of attracting anyone else. I do all of these things for myself, or at least that is what I tell bystanders to avoid the disapproving looks. I live a single life that I like living, and I cannot seem to find anyone worth answering to. Until I commit a crime, I refuse to be on lockdown under the instruction of a thick-calved prison warden.

I recently saw yet another movie that paints a rather faulty and romanticized picture of life post-singledom. At the behest of two female friends, Brittany and Scary Spice, I went to a film called Ghosts of Girlfriends Past. I can liken it to watching the awkward girl from high school getting nominated for homecoming queen. In the beginning I was rooting for the movie, but by the middle it was clear this train wreck was headed for disaster.

The movie draws heavily from Dickens’, “A Christmas Carol.” Matthew McConaughey is the 2009 version of Ebenezer Scrooge, the cold-hearted banker who receives three visits from three ghosts who warn him to change his life. McConaughey plays a successful photographer who is wealthy, established and shows a superb innovation concerning portraiture. He is also promiscuous, womanizing and unwilling to show remorse for living a life that is self-centric. Naturally, his character is equated to all of the characteristics of the bastardized Scrooge.

In the end McConaughey, despite all of his successes, realizes he cannot be happy without the love of his life. This movie, though giving me an excuse to have a snare drum of Coke, was not worth my $7 on cheap movie night. Why does a single life take a backseat to the life of domestication? Furthermore, why does Jennifer Garner’s face always look like that?

We live in a world that feels sorry for single people. I cannot begin to count the looks of sympathy I get when I mention that I am not in a relationship. Before things get too uncomfortable, like when two customers eye the only remaining denim jumper with embroidered cats at Christopher & Banks, I make up a soothing lie.

“Brady, do you have a girlfriend?” my mom’s cousin Judy asked.

“No. I did, but she was indicted for soliciting to a high political official. Coupled with her charges for human trafficking, not to mention using her privates to conceal cocaine, she will not be out for a very long time … didn’t Mom tell you in her Christmas card?”

As Judy walked away, I was relieved to know that she was comforted in the fact that I had a prostitute, drug-addicted girlfriend, rather than having her think I wallowed in a perilous life of loneliness. This was all BEFORE our church service started, mind you.

I wonder if anyone will make a movie about a single person who makes the right life choices and finds happiness through some type of fulfillment that is not dating. Where is the children’s book about the middle-aged woman who gets that secretarial job promotion she has been wanting? Granted, she probably collects paperclips and cries every night, but at least our little girls would know that they are never too old for a hobby.

I always wonder what happens six months after these love stories. I know I get bored with my own family after six hours, so six months with a stranger sounds excruciating. I would like to think that Cinderella would have relapsed back into alcoholism, thus losing the castle to loan sharks, all while Prince Charming has a lusty same-sex affair with a stable boy.

In this world, life does not seem to measure up without a mate to share something with. My great-aunt Delores lives in a $1 million house in Hermosa Beach, walks to the pier every day and attends parties with wealthy friends. She is single and has a very nice life. This sounds like a fantastic life to me. Then again, with my barely minimum wage job, doing PR for Dick Cheney sounds enticing. My point is, there is nothing wrong with devoting your life to things that do not involve being in a relationship. At the very least, if you are in a relationship, at least have the foresight to date someone with a lot of money and very low self-esteem.

Visit Brady’s blog at bradylately.blogspot.com.