Evil robotic groundhog army, sinister conspiracy

Tony Gorder

Tony Gorder

Well, it’s official. We will have six more weeks of winter, according to the infallible prophecy and supreme word of Punxsutawney Phil.

I found myself questioning the origin of the strange tradition that is Groundhog Day. After some diligent research, I’ve concluded the whole thing gives me the creeps and has all the telltale signs of a conspiracy by a secret society to control the world culminating in a war pitting the free humans of the world against an army of robotic groundhogs and groundhog loyalists, led by Punxsutawney Phil. I’ll discuss more of this later.

According to the infallible Wikipedia, Groundhog Day started in Pennsylvania during the 18th and 19th centuries. It’s related to Candlemas, also known as the Feast of the Presentation of Jesus at the Temple, a Christian celebration that falls on or around Feb. 2. The idea that a groundhog, upon seeing his shadow and going back into his burrow, entails another six weeks of winter, or the opposite, comes from European weather lore, except it was a badger instead of a groundhog. Thank God that’s changed. Imagine a badger predicting the weather! Now that’s just silly.

Every year, the Groundhog Club organizes the popular event in which thousands of people show up to Punxsutawney, Penn., to watch a bunch of men in top-hats hold up a rodent. Who are those guys anyway? Those aren’t just your everyday Groundhog Club groundhog wranglers; they’re members of what’s called the Groundhog Club’s Inner Circle.

I always wondered how the Inner Circle knew if Phil saw his shadow or not. It turns out Phil simply tells them his prediction,

of course! According to the Groundhog Club’s official website, after emerging from his burrow, Phil speaks to the Inner Circle president in “Groundhogese,” a language only the president can understand. The president then tells the world Phil’s weather forecast.

If the whole Inner Circle thing wasn’t enough to give you the creeps, the club’s website claims that Punxsutawney Phil is the one and only rodent meteorologist, kept alive by drinking the “elixir of life,” which adds another seven years to his life.

Clearly this is a conspiracy, with Punxsutawney Phil being the leader and the Inner Circle loyal followers who carry out his bidding.

My paranoia was further fueled when I learned (and this is not made up) that People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals or PETA, asked the Inner Circle president to use a robotic groundhog instead.

The plot thickens.

My theory after all this: Punxsutawney Phil, an evil groundhog, used his weather prediction powers to gain a group of loyal followers, the Groundhog Club and its Inner Circle, along with the thousands of people who show up for the prediction event. Once he has enough followers, Punxsutawney Phil and his loyalists will amass a robot groundhog army to enslave humanity.

If that sounds ridiculous to you, I don’t blame you, but it’s just as ridiculous as Groundhog Day itself. I’m all for having fun, but this whole thing, for the amount of attention it receives, is just silly and, frankly, a little weird.