COLUMN: Super Student Lesson VI: Thanksgiving Day Shenanigans

Tony Reiss

Tony ReissSuper Student

The People’s Republic of Minnesota is my ancestral homeland. I recently traveled to the People’s Republic of Minnesota to celebrate Thanksgiving.

Currently, the People’s Republic of Minnesota is in the midst of yet another election debacle. Despite the Election Day shellacking that the governing party received across the nation, the People’s Republic of Minnesota is still without an obvious successor to Governor Tim Pawlenty. The opposition party in the People’s Republic of Minnesota made serious inroads on Election Day. For the first time in my memory both houses of the legislature are now held by the former opposition party. It’s interesting that the people in People’s Republic of Minnesota would vote for one particular party over another to the extent that it changed power in the legislature but they still consider voting for who Time Magazine once referred to as the worst senator in the U.S. Senate. The Senator also graded himself with an F.

It’s shenanigans like this that made it so easy to seek political asylum in the Free State of South Dakota. Still, I get back to the People’s Republic of Minnesota often. I still have family there that has not made it out safely yet. We traveled across the now snow-covered fruited plains in a storm that is best described as the worst scene in the Earth biopic The Day After Tomorrow. Luckily for us the snow and ice didn’t stay for the entire weekend.

The night before Thanksgiving all of the young people from my hometown gather at the local watering hole to exchange stories of heroism and great feats of strength. They also engage in some good old-fashioned debauchery. When I graduated high school, so many seasons ago, I stayed in contact with two or three people. I simply forgot the others. I was approached by many who remembered me, but alas I had no recollection of them.

Perhaps they knew me. Perhaps they had only heard campfire stories about my adventures in the North Land fighting oppressive regimes. Perhaps I am only a figment of their imagination. It matters not. Their salutations and gratitude were enough for me.

Thanksgiving Day was spent honoring Brooklyn’s finest by watching Brooklyn’s Finest (if the cops in that movie were supposed to be the Brooklyn’s finest I don’t want to meet their worst). The depiction of the English language was atrocious and the vocabulary used would make Maury Povich spin in his grave (if were dead. Since he’s not dead I imagine that he would shake his head from side to side making a tsk tsk tsk sound). Then again nobody ever said Brooklyn’s finest were made up of teachers and poets.

We had a literal smorgasbord of Thanksgiving fixings. My mom made the Noah’s Ark of pies. There was two of every kind of pie (that mattered). The turkey was fantastic as were the mashed potatoes and can-berries (you know8212;cranberries that are still shaped like a can).

On the way home we stopped at the home of The Collegian Editor-in-Chief’s parents. I had to explain to him why my column was going to be late. I told him that I had been captured for being a political dissident and that a group of corrupt People’s Republic of Minnesota officers were after me (basically I told him the story that was told in Brooklyn’s Finest). His family welcomed me in with open arms. They fed me meal of steak and potatoes and the next day they made sure I wasn’t sent on the road with an empty stomach. They then helped me escape the People’s Republic of Minnesota and return safely to the Free State of South Dakota.

I would be remiss if I didn’t mention what I am thankful for in a column dedicated to Thanksgiving.

I am thankful for:

* Oxygen

* The Internet

* Full moons (Go Team Jacob! Is that still cool to say?)


* Those who work to make SDSU a better place

* Artificially colored Christmas trees

* Christmas tree cakes

* The internal combustion engine

* Indoor plumbing

* Electric and gas heat

* Bacon

* Chairs

* Beds

* Chainsaws

* Factories

* The Eisenhower Interstate Highway System

* The moon landing

* Trains

* Roller coasters

* Long lines at the mall

* Mall walkers

And of course YOU (you know who are).

Tony Reiss is a non-traditional student majoring in economics. Contact Tony at [email protected].