Mathias TurnerGuest Columnist

A round of applause to the thoughtful, freedom-loving students of SDSU who unbiasedly decided to live-and-let-live and ban smoking everywhere on campus. Much rhetoric in today’s political discourse is focused on the intentions of the founding fathers, and in keeping with that trend I’d like to point out that this is certainly the future they had in mind while looking out over the vast fields of tobacco which jump-started our fledgling economy. In fact, in keeping with the spirit of banning things that are annoying and poisonous, I think we should take this to its logical conclusion: anyone with a GPA below 3.5 should no longer be allowed to express their opinion 8212; about anything 8212; anywhere on campus. In the same way that we’ve banned smoking to avoid the spread of carcinogens, I dream of a campus where I can be free of, for example, the effects of the obnoxious, cancerous, second-hand racism of my redneck peers.

The benefits of such a ban would be enormous. Less chatter among students working as university employees would lead to more work being done, meaning we would get more out of the money we spend on tuition. With fewer side conversations acting as distractions, the students who most need it would have more time to focus on their studies and an easier time maintaining that focus. Even those students still allowed to voice their opinions would find it easier to concentrate with the decrease in sound pollution. Any overheard conversation would be more likely to contain intellectual substance, and the chance of being able to overhear such conversations would increase. Those least encumbered by information tend to yell the loudest; in the absence of such strongly opinionated, semi-literate political discourse, average blood pressure and stress levels would drop, increasing overall student health.

Really, this is only the beginning. Since we’re now all such health nuts and concerned about air quality, there remain many battles to be won. Car exhaust, junk food, alcohol, caffeine, coffee breath, cheap cologne, grandma perfume 8212; health hazards and annoying smells run rampant on our campus, previously unchecked by our righteous indignation. Finally, we’ve decided to take a stand against such affronts to our bubbles of personal comfort. This is America, and we have the God-given right to never be offended by anything. It’s about time we started putting it to use.

I’m sure my proposed ban would suck for those affected 8212; being stigmatized, unable to engage in otherwise perfectly legal behavior while on state property 8212; but to me it sounds utopian. At least they always have the option to walk off campus, should the urge to speak become unbearable. They should take comfort in the fact that this is what democracy is all about, and exactly why important issues of majority versus minority are generally put to public vote: so one section of the population can make itself marginally more comfortable at the extreme inconvenience of another.