How to win friends, influence people and sucker students into voting for you

Nathan Hopper

Nathan Hopper

In a few short weeks, we will endure a gay spectacle of the most savage proportions – the Students’ Association elections. It’s a bit early, but the English Major does not dabble in the black art of procrastination and neither should you. To all the SA President and Vice President hopefuls out there, our field agents have compiled this HOW-TO on getting elected.

This report, perhaps the most exhaustive guide to SA elections at SDSU ever written, contains advice that will most assuredly change your life and get you elected.

1. Get a tan – the more closely you resemble a piece of well-oiled calfskin, the better. An exhaustive comparison of losers versus winners shows a clear preference from the electorate to choose candidates with the most artificial, unhealthy, parade gloss tans. The more normal you look, the larger the margin of loss. This step cannot be stressed enough.

2. How much black leather do you own? How tight is the tightest sweater you have? If you’ve not picked up a Banana Republic catalog lately and can still inhale full breaths while wearing the tightest sweater, don’t turn out at all. Appearance is everything, and you’d better look like a hip, Minneapolis urbanite. Small town folk, despite their admiration of Carhart and Wrangler, love the upscale, imported beer crowd.

3. A.B.C. – Always Be Cocky. People love to be humiliated, belittled and insulted by arrogant candidates. Our correspondents, searching the archives, report smashing successes for the candidates who possess a haughty attitude and sharp tongue. Be adept at foiling the electorate. Smile at them, but always repeat this mantra in your head: “He is a male nurse, I am better than him.”

4. Get in the good graces of a paper warehouse. You’ll need all the fluorescent green and orange paper in the tri-state area. Measure your campaign poster distribution not in sheets but in acres.

5. And while we’re on the subject of posters, it never hurts to make as many outlandish, hopeless claims and goals as possible. Our in-house staff of pundits has created a sample list, which is sure to garner more votes than you ever imagined:

-Bring more sideshow acts to campus.

-Twenty-four hour computer lab with free dry-cleaning.

-A Scientology expert in every dorm.

-Hire more Kosher chefs.

-Lower the drinking age to 18.

Notice the use of vivid action verbs. The English Major has not forgotten the lessons of Freshman Comp and neither should you. Inspire the Great Unwashed to follow you. And never forget the power of the words “Twenty-four hour…”

6. Finally, remember this: If you have nothing important to say, say it while standing next to an attractive undergrad who religiously follows steps one and two. Better yet, make her your running mate. We didn’t look too far back, but recent history has shown that it’s not What you say, but Who stands next to you while saying it.

Your mileage may vary, but remember this famous quote – “He who forgets history is doomed to make a good SA president.”

E-mail comments to Hopper at [email protected].