Animals on the loose

Sean Kennedy

Sean Kennedy

Terror swept across SDSU late Sunday afternoon as herds of wild animals broke free from their pens in the Veterinary Isolation Building and stampeded across campus, injuring at least one student and cancelling Monday’s classes.

Eyewitnesses reported being attacked by chickens, cows, sheep, horses and a rabid squirrel.

“That squirrel was vicious,” Christopher Donnelly, freshman mortuary science major, said. “I was just walking to class when this brown mass of fur jumped off the top of the Barn and started gnawing on my leg. I wet my pants and passed out.”

Donnelly was dragged to a nearby building by a flock of well-meaning sheep, where he was promptly pronounced dead by a passing freshman nursing student. After being taken to a nearby hospital, Donnelly’s condition was upgraded to alive.

Rumors circulated around campus Monday that the animals were super-smart as a result of illegal government experiments conducted on them by government agents working in secret at the university.

“There is no way those animals could have escaped and raised such havoc without some kind of mind altering drug,” said an unidentified long-haired witness who was partially surrounded in a cloud of smoke. “It’s all a conspiracy, man. They government is trying to cover up the aliens. Trust no one.”

The man was hauled away in an SDSU dining services van before he could provide proper identification.

None of the alleged stampeding animals have been accounted for, though an inordinate number of cowpies have been discovered near Scobey Hall.

An unidentified man in a black suit said that the attack never really happened and that the report was the result of a mass hallucination induced by a passing weather balloon.

“These crazy hippies are always making up stories, trying to stir up trouble,” he said. “I don’t know where these people get their information.”

He then put on his Raybans and drove away in a shiny, new, unmarked, black car.

Several students reported seeing the animals herded into Woodbine Cottage by mysterious men in black suits.

Don DeWayne, a junior psychology major, said that he witnessed a chimp and a cow having a conversation through the front window of the SDSU President’s Residence on Monday night.

“It was weird because it’s like not every day that you like see a cow and like a chimp sitting on a couch and like havin’ a conversation, man,” DeWayne said.

Mandy Marshall, a senior English major, said she witnessed a man in a black suit talking to a sheep outside the cottage.

“He was all talking to the sheep, which was like way to weird for me cuz I’m not thinking you should be talking to animals,” she said. “But then it looked like the sheep said something and then they saw me and were all like ‘uh huh’ and I was so totally weirded out but I just kept staring at them and they just kinda glanced at each other, which is weird cuz I’ve never seen a sheep glance at someone before, and then they went inside together which was weirder yet and just before the door closed a little squirrel came running by and it sounded like he yelled ‘wait for me’ and dashed through the door and followed them inside. After that I left cuz I was late for this party, which was like the place to be.”

#1.887118:3267758540.jpg:CowAttack.jpg:Student Christopher Donnelly runs from vicious cows who threatened to take over the university late Sunday afternoon. Campus livestock broke loose and roamed freely across SDSU. Donnelly eventually made his way to the Barn where he was attacked by a squirrel. :