Fantasy football? Probably time to get real

Spencer Chase

I’ve just had it.

For the last time, can we all just admit that fantasy football is one of the dumbest things in the sporting world?

I can’t stand trying to enjoy a football game with someone asking me how one particular player did. I hate seeing someone go nuts when the game we’re watching is in a time-out and a scroll says some random backup running back got a touchdown. Congratulations on your random selection, genius. Can we get back to watching the game like human beings now?

Fantasy football has grown into a $1 billion industry, and for what? So a bunch of people that “would have gone into coaching if the money had been better” who peaked athletically in high school can feel like they’re reliving their glory days by losing $20 (and usually more) to a group of buddies they never interact with on a face-to-face basis? For as grammatically incorrect as the previous sentence was, fantasy sports, especially football, are ruining the way we all watch sports.

No longer do we root for our favorite teams unconditionally. No longer do we hate our rivals with an unfiltered hate that surpasses the heat of 1,000 suns or something poetic like that. Instead, we hope that all the athletes we picked succeed, regardless of team, even if it means they burn our favorite team in the process. Wait a second. What?

Some fans even go as far as encouraging players to rush themselves back at the risk of their own health just to gain a few fantasy points. Some players take to Twitter for the sole reason of giving some of those people a piece of their mind, and I can respect that. These players don’t tweet you telling you to do something dangerous for your health just for their own bragging rights, but for some reason fantasy owners feel that they need to assert their dominance just because they happened to click on the right name in early August.

Admittedly, there are players on basically every NFL team that I wish played for my team. That’s probably the case with every football fan in the history of history. But does that mean I want them in my court every time I log into Yahoo! to see how many points I accumulated that week? Not on your life. In no way, shape, or form do I want to see my enemies succeed on the football field.

Lastly, do we seriously need different forms of fantasy leagues? Dynasty leagues, keeper leagues, IDP leagues, survivor leagues, playoff leagues, single week leagues, California Penal Leagues. (Okay, so the last one is a Rick Vaughn reference from the American classic Major League and not an actual fantasy league. You only get in that league if you steal a car or something like that.)

Not only do we have ways to waste our time analyzing some type of football where everything’s made up and the points don’t matter, but we need to create more ways just to make us feel like a regular Adam Schefter when a Magic 8-Ball might accomplish the same results. If you want to be a professional analyst, get the proper education, maintain the professional contacts, and work your way up the football expert ladder. Stop acting like you’re a football genius because you predicted Arian Foster would have a breakout year in 2010.

Long story short, don’t ask me to be in your fantasy league. I just don’t care. Don’t ask me to change the channel when I’m in the middle of watching a good game. Look it up on your phone. Don’t expect me to listen to your fantasy genius stories. There’s no such thing. Don’t tell me about the fantastic trade you made and why that makes you brilliant. Congratulations, you happen to be in a league with an idiot.

And for the last time, stop expecting the rest of the world to give a flying leap about your place in your fantasy league.