I am no longer a virgin. That’s right, the UPD had its way with me today, and there wasn’t squat I could do about it. I’m talking about parking tickets, and I’m sure a lot of you will agree with what I have to say about them. At times, yes, they are a very necessary part of campus life to keep things running smoothly. At other times, yes, they are complete bull****. I’m referring to the latter in this rant. So I purchased a decal at the start of the school year, and you know what, I’m human. I forgot to hang the damn thing. Sure, we make mistakes, but apparently the UPD only lets you make ONE. I got charged for the second time I forgot to hang it and went down there to plead. A little forewarning, they could give a f*** less about you as a student and recognize that you’re trying to support yourself financially. I mean, I had the damn decal in my hand. “Here is your proof, I say.”

It doesn’t matter, they tell me, I still need to hang the decal EVERY SINGLE TIME, even though I always take it down when I drive because it obstructs my view. I felt like sticking my decal in a very uncomfortable place for the worker at the time, but knew that would get me nowhere, and truth is, it probably wouldn’t even faze them. So my proposal is to have the choice to receive a hanging decal or a sticker. And if this is already an option, why wasn’t I informed about it? Why? Because the UPD knows that you will forget to hang your decal and will jump you for it at a second’s notice. My advice is to treat your decal like a condom for your car. Wear one EVERY time because you never know when the UPD is going to f*** you. OK.

I’m done. Thank you.

Damon Jarabek