Kyle Jameson

Your heart soars in anticipation as your first date with the person of your dreams approaches. They have everything you’re looking for in a soul mate. They have a face, they can communicate to some degree and – let’s be honest – they were just looking exceptionally hot and you have no idea what you’re in store for.

Two minutes into your date, you realize they are completely crazy by the way they playfully describe how they got out of court-ordered community service and how they can’t wait for the next Lindsay Lohan CD to drop.

Alright genius, how are you going to get yourself away from this bear trap of insanity? You can’t just walk away or stop calling Mr. or Ms. Psychosis because we all know they are the type of person who will write you a slew of text messages or Facebook wall posts only a stalker can dream up. You need to get out of this terrifying “relationship” before you become another head in their duffle bag of twisted desires.

One of your first options is to drop the infamous “it’s not you, it’s me” line. The intentions are to imply that there is just too much on your plate right now to balance your needs as well as the needs of others. Unfortunately, we all know that “it’s not you, it’s me” is never received with open arms. Instead, you will need to be exponentially more creative with your relationship escape plan or your REP, as I like to call it. There is even an option to get the entire family involved!

REP number one is very simple. Decide which one of your friends has most-recently punked or wronged you to some degree and hook them up with Captain Insanity. There is nothing easier, or perhaps more hilarious, than pawning your problems off onto a friend. Just remember, that in REP it is imperative that you deny any prior-knowledge of Commander Lunacy’s mental instability.

Option number two is more complicated. You engage your date in an elaborate and seemingly romantic scavenger hunt. The hunt should be filled with exotic flowers and delectable candies. Ultimately your trail of romanticism will buy you enough time to pump up your Nikes and gallop straight into the witness protection program. Here you will live out your life in an electrifying corner of Utah selling orthopedic shoes to aging tourists.

REP number three gets the whole family involved. First, invite your parents to town for dinner. Second, have your mom repeatedly bring up how she cannot wait for grandchildren (plural) and have her bring along swatches for the nursery (it is important you smile in delight the entire time). Third, have your dad explain how in three months he will no longer go by Mark but rather Martha, and he cannot wait to shop for wedding gowns! By now, your date should have run out screaming, and the bonus to this REP is that you get a free dinner from Mom and Pop.

My personal favorite and final REP is the “act crazier than they are” approach. This approach has limitless opportunities for personal entertainment. For example, you could show up to your next date wearing your favorite denim jumper and ever-so-subtly trace your facial features with your favorite shade of lipstick (preferably the darkest shade of red you can get your hands on). After you explain, in detail, the silly stories behind the names you have assigned each toe, simply discard your denim jumper and proclaim that you are “The Duchess of Kitty-Cats” and proceed to eat a bag of glitter.

In all actuality, you should just create your own REP, because if you use one of mine, you’ll undoubtedly end up as crazy as the person you’re trying to ditch in the first place.