Megan SchiferlJuice Editor

The Christmas season is fast approaching and many of the “committed” members of campus are scrambling to come up with the perfect gift for their special someone. Now, I don’t have a boyfriend (I just know a boy who’d be really mad if he heard me say that), but I am a firm believer of the time tested adage “those who can’t do, teach.” I hope that I can provide, young grasshoppers, three simple steps to creating the perfect holiday gift.

Step 1. Desensitize to surprise

Anything can be surprising.

Nine-tenths of the magic of a gift lies in its delivery. If you can make a gift a honest to goodness surprise, the gift is more special. Just ask the recipients of the Trojan horse. The key to making your gift special is to desensitize the receiver to surprises ahead of time.

This desensitization must take place over a period of time and be done rather stealthily. First, find something to give to your beau. This could be any number of inconspicuous items. Ideally this should be an item they already own and have miss placed. Greet your loved one with a great deal of excitement and let them know you have a surprise for them. Have them close their eyes hold out their hands and deposit the item into their hands. The item should be something like socks they left at your place that you managed to launder without turning pink.

Repeat this scene numerous times with unspectacular items such as Tupperware, free coupons you found in the grocery story fliers and paperclip chains. After only a few of your signature “surprises”, your honey will stop getting excited for anything you call a surprise, allowing for the set up and deliverance of the ULTIMATE surprise: the surprise of being surprised

Step 2. Make your move early

Anticipation doesn’t look good on

anyone.

Properly desensitizing your beau to surprises means that they won’t be anticipating much of anything (other than a spotlessly clean set of lost and found Tupperware). Unfortunately, the committed is a fickle breed and many times, though desensitized, these creatures will continue to anticipate the holiday season and the sparkly, bank account murdering items that have become synonymous with the phrase “Merry Christmas”.

The longer these present vultures are made to wait for their gifts, the more agitated they will become. It has been scientifically proven that each day past December 12 a significant other is made to wait equals a $20 increase in gift expense to equal the same level of satisfaction in the receiver of the gift.

By the way, did you know that 73.4 percent of statistics are made up on the spot?

As a way to combat this disturbing trend, I’ve begun giving out my Christmas presents in August.

Step 3. Enthusiasm is key

No one can kick an excited puppy.

It’s Dec. 11. You’ve properly desensitized your loved one to think that any “surprise” you give them will be a paper crane made out of a gum wrapper. You’ve got your carefully selected first edition of Pride and Prejudice in pristine condition wrapped and in hand (friends and kindly strangers take note of what I consider the ideal gift). What if they don’t like it??? Never fear!

Enthusiasm can make up for a myriad of mishaps and mistakes. If your loved one truly cares about you, when you are excited about something, they will be too. Make sure you show up with a grin on your face and enough excitement to make Billy Mayes look dull. No one can disappoint that.

Best of luck to you all in this holiday season and your gift giving endeavors.

#1.1782240:1143060917.png:megan.png::