Columnist shares unwatched movie ratings, predictions

Caleb Bruynes

I love to watch movies. On average, I’d say I watch four movies per week, so I’ve gotten pretty good at predicting plots and overall quality before watching them. I thought maybe I’d help you guys out with some new movies. Again, keep in mind that I have not seen them; I’m simply offering my best guesses.


Storyline: Three friends gain superpowers after making an incredible discovery.

Starring: Dane DeHaan, Michael B. Jordan and Alex Russell.

My friends and I do this all the time. Except the discovery is Jagermeister, and the superpower is memory loss. IMDB gave “Chronicle” a 7.5/10. I’ve noticed IMDB tends to overrate movies by about 1.2, so we’re looking at a 6.3 actual rating; it’s worth seeing, but probably not for $12 in the theater.

Best guess: The kids use their superpowers to hook up with women (wouldn’t you?) and one of them falls in love. Then, the movie turns into a decently funny rom-com, complete with delightful cameos from Jason Segal and Paul Rudd.

The Vow

Storyline: A car accident puts Paige in a coma, and when she wakes up with severe memory loss, her husband Leo works to win her heart again.

Starring: Channing Tatum and Rachel McAdams

Guys: If you haven’t seen this by now, you’re either single or you’ve somehow avoided a Valentine’s date night with your girlfriend and four hours of reassurance questions like, “Would you still love me even if I lost my memory?” IMDB gave it a 6.6. Subtract the 1.2, puts it at 5.4, which is, “watch at 3 a.m. some Tuesday night when you can’t sleep,” category, along with “Shrek 4,” and any movie with Jean Claude Van Damme.

Best guess: Channing Tatum gains a superpower after making an incredible discovery. Then he gets drunk with power and tries to rule the world leading to an epic battle against Paul Rudd and Jason Segal.

Safe House

Storyline: A safe house is overtaken by mercenaries who want rogue agent Tobin Frost.

Starring: Denzel Washington and Ryan Reynolds

I love Denzel, so I’m excited to see this one; you should be too. It scored just a 6.0 rating after the “IMDB is always wrong” deduction, but Denzel’s movies never get rated very high and they’re still always awesome. Ryan Reynolds is in it too, which I think makes it acceptable for a date movie, since all of our girlfriends want us to be him instead of ourselves.

Best guess: Denzel kicks some butt with his sidekicks, Jason Segal and Paul Rudd.

I hope this was helpful. I promise to print a retraction if any of my predictions are somehow wrong; they seem pretty spot on to me, though.