Brian Lecuyer

I hate rude people. But even worse, I hate rude people with cell phones. They are stupid, self-absorbed and need to be shot. Not killed, just shot in the leg or foot or somewhere so they get the message. For example, one person who needs to be taught a lesson is the girl sitting across from me in the computer lab. As I write this she is talking on her cell phone to some guy name “Todd” and has used the phrase “Like, You know I love you,” 20 or 30 times. I am starting to worry that pretty soon the so-far innocent conversation will turn into phone sex, because, apparently, in cell phone girl’s world I, and the 15 other people in the room attempting to get some work done, do not exist.

Maybe I’m way out of line here. Perhaps the school’s computer labs are no longer a place to type papers and check email but rather have become a place to exchange phone calls and gossip with others. Maybe.

The rude cell phone owner can strike anywhere, however. No restaurants, classes, places of worship or movie theaters are safe. Not even the bathroom is safe, as I found out, first hand, when I was in what, for the sake of simplicity, we will call “Toilet stall A.” Now I was in “Toilet Stall A,” and rude-jerk-cell-phone owner was in what, for the sake of simplicity, we will call “Toilet Stall B.” For my part, I did my best to observe proper stall etiquette in “Toilet Stall A.” I kept the groans to a minimum, didn’t make any small talk and in general, let the guy in “Toilet Stall B” do his thing without distraction. It’s common courtesy.

Or so I thought, before I heard seven electronic beeps from “Toilet Stall B” and a voice say, “Hello, is Jim there? This is Bob.” For the rest of my stay in “Toilet Stall A,” (which was longer than normal because I struggled to maintain focus on the task at hand) I discovered more about Bob than I wish to remember. His parents are divorced, he can’t wait for the next Garth Brooks record (loser) and his pickup broke down. Also he’s having some troubles with his girlfriend, so give him a pat on the back next time you see him.

Then shoot him.

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