Brian Lecuyer

You are all a bunch of greedy, ungrateful, snobbish readers. You constantly mooch laughter from my witty remarks, my clever anecdotes and my hilarious observations. I make you laugh; I make you chuckle; I make you recoil in horror and wretch in disgust. I give you so much, and you take and take and take from me, but I get nothing in return. Not even a lousy slap across the face.

In short, I think you owe me –BIG TIME, and I think it’s time you pay me back. Which is why the rest of this column consists of things you need to give me. Consider it a thoughtful Christmas gift to your favorite humorist. Or since you didn’t get me anything for my birthday, consider it a birthday gift. Actually, now that I explore this thought further, you are required to get me two things off this list; one for my birthday and one for any religious celebration you deem important — and we’ll call it even.

The list of things I need from you:

1. My own independent country. I will be Supreme Ruler of The United Republic of Brianrocks (which is what we’ll call this country) and you, plus any of your friends, will be my subjects.

2. A jaguar (the cat, not the car)

3. A jaguar (the car, not the cat)

4. The foot from a panda. If a rabbit’s foot is lucky, one can only assume so too is a panda’s foot.

5. The right to make any person I please wear a sign on their backs that says, “kick me.” What can I say, I love the classics.

6. The chance to meet George Harrison. May I just say here that, “Sunrise doesn’t last all morning/A cloudburst doesn’t last all day . . . All things must pass, all things must pass away.”

7. Have everyone yell, “You are the reason we exist!” every time I walk into a room.

8. Someone with a large, battery-powered heater to walk beside and warm me in the months of January, February and part of March.

9. The Echoes: The Best of Pink Floyd CD.

10. A shiny quarter.

E-mail comments to Brian at [email protected].