Dj Steckelberg

This one goes out to the ladies.

I have a young woman in my life whom I am quite fond of. We see eye to eye on many things. We laugh at the same stupid people. She kisses well. Things, over all, are just fine, thank you.

Yet … sometimes I find myself truly understanding where mankind went wrong in developing language skills or the lack thereof as the case may be.

Men as a whole do not always communicate well. In fact, we can be quite awful at it.

Sometimes, though, this is because we really don’t have anything to say or because we aren’t even actually aware of our own thoughts. Sometimes, we just want to binge drink while ridiculing our buddies and then punch them. This is considered fun.

Sometimes, however, we want to be alone and write poetry. This is not considered fun (you can guess which one we do more of).

Sometimes, we just want to make out with you (also fun).

I am sure you have noticed the male need to be dumb. We have too. Truth be told, we enjoy it.

We may be great mechanics, writers, doctors, electricians, students, teachers and rocket scientists by day, but as darkness descends on the streets of Gotham, we like to retreat to our Man Cave to belch, and call our friends degrading names … and of course make out with you.

Sometimes, we don’t even want you around. Usually, we don’t want you at our bachelor parties or football games.

In neither of these cases is it O.K. for you to be around. Even if we say it is, it isn’t.

And the excuse of just being “one of the guys” will not suffice. You actually have to have a penis to be one of the guys. If not, we will assume that you are a spy trying to infiltrate.

How cool you are matters not. In the case of football, actual knowledge of the game and current season is a plus. I encourage all to love the sport but if you are a girl who knows her stuff, there may be a marriage proposal during the game and we can’t have that.

If you do show up to one of these two events in order to serve the beer or take your clothes off, you will be permitted. Understand that we will still consider you a spy. It’s just an acceptable risk (see rule #2).

In addition, remember that we don’t flirt with other women; they flirt with us and we were just being polite. Honest!

If a man treats you in any way that you find unacceptable, feel free to get rid of him. In fact, if you are dating a man that makes you miserable or treats you as an inferior or just plain doesn’t respect you and you don’t get rid of him then you had better take a long, hard look at yourself.

Then get rid of him.

If you are with a man that hits you, call the police or someone that can help. If not, tell some of your guy friends; they know what to do.

We do a good enough job on our own making ourselves look like jackasses. We don’t want any real jackasses ruining our already bad name.

In public when you are with your man, if he is a good one, you may want to tickle his neck and hold his hand and kiss and all of the other territorial stuff you do. Don’t.

This makes us feel very uncomfortable. And it’s rude. You learned in kindergarten that if you don’t bring enough treats to share with everybody then you couldn’t have any either. Your engagement and wedding are, of course, possible exceptions, but nothing else until you are in your seventies.

Then it’s cute.

Remember, we aren’t difficult to communicate with if you just understand a couple of things. These rules aren’t written in stone. They aren’t even written in JELL-O, so do not sweat it.

Sometimes we just want to be held ? and when that happens, you have won.