Dj Steckelberg

You woke up again this morning; nice.

Then, I suppose you rubbed your eyes, took a shower, threw on your cape and toasted waffles with your super laser eyes. Or you did if you are in fact a super hero. If you had to use a toaster ? sorry for your luck.

Everyone has wished at one time or another (or constantly) that they had super powers. The ability to read minds, x-ray vision or the power of flight would all be a lot of fun.

But remember: with a lot of power comes a lot of under the table cash kick-backs.

I think it would be a pain to be a super hero. You can only hear “super person come save me” so many times before you start to think that the world is inept. I already think that but I don’t have to do anything about it.

If you don’t come through and save all seventy two protesters who chained themselves to trees to save them from loggers in the middle of a forest fire and now can’t find the keys to the locks to save themselves, it now becomes your fault and you starting reading in the papers that maybe you have lost a step and should consider retiring.

Then there is the whole secret identity thing. What is the one problem people point out about Superman? His only disguise is a pair of glasses and no one can figure out who he is?

Oh yeah, you are willing to believe that he can shoot lasers out of his eyes, has basically unlimited strength and speed, can fly, survived an interstellar trip to this planet, and gets all of his powers from the sun? This people can believe? Make his disguise a pair of glasses and then it becomes a work of fiction.

Also who has the patience or know how to construct a secret lair? How do you get a secret building permit?

If you are a super hero you can’t just build one anywhere, there are zoning laws and such to consider. You can’t ignore them or you risk becoming a law-breaker, which would then qualify you as a super villain thereby revoking all of your super hero rights and privileges.

What powers qualify you as a super hero? I

have the ability to make street lights change green simply by staring at them. I can claim that I give birds the power of flight. I can tie my shoes in the dark. My body has the ability to heal from the most major of minor cuts and scrapes. I can regrow my hair after it has been cut off, say by a badger or some maniac wielding a clippers. Do I get my super hero union card for these amazing abilities?

What powers would you choose if you could? Shapeshifter? Flier? The ability to animals? Super intelligence? Being able to turn yourself into a big green monster whenever you are provoked and then going into a psychopathic rage, forgetting everything that happened whilst enraged? Instantly writing a poem about cheese whenever asked?

I would go the Looney Toons route and be able to drop anvils out of the sky on my selected target (accompanied by a whistling sound of course). I wouldn’t want it to kill anyone?just bounce on their head, driving them into the ground, after which birds would fly around their faces and then a large bump would appear on the crown of their head that they could push down with their finger.

I probably wouldn’t be able to stop most of the super villains out there but I bet they would hate me, cuz’, honestly, who wants an anvil driving you into the ground every few seconds?

Impatient to become a super hero, DJ Steckelberg has abandoned his anvil plan and now drops kittens on people. Write to him at [email protected].