Dj Steckelberg

I hate spiders.

I like Spider Man.

I suppose this is because Spider Man is witty while spiders are creepy.

When I was younger I would freeze in terror if I saw a big enough spider inside. That’s the whole deal: inside bad, outside fine.

My biggest problem with spiders comes from a long-standing intolerance of bad roommates. No spider I have ever met has ever pitched in on rent or cleaned up around the house.

I have never had anything near a decent conversation with a spider, they never let me cry on their shoulder, they are always in the bathroom when I want to use it and they bite.

Just like my little brother?it took a long time for him to grow on me too, I don’t mind telling you.

This hatred and fear of spiders keeps me on a constant vigil for new ways to drive them out of my house. I don’t need to kill them, I can just throw them out. However, I will kill them. If it comes down to them or me, I’ll choose me every time.

This search has led me to one of nature’s most curious creations ever?the hedgeball.

Imagine a grape and an orange had a baby who grew up to have a steroid induced acne problem. This is what a hedgeball looks like.

I can’t tell if it is a fruit or a vegetable, I don’t know if it’s a dried slime mold or a small, extremely lethargic rodent. All I know is that it is supposed to keep away spiders and other pests. And they sell for only ninety-nine cents. That’s a big plus.

How did this seemingly worthless piece of … whatever come into my possession?

I still have no idea. The last thing I remember on that fateful day is shopping for groceries. Everything was going just fine when I came across a shopping cart full of these little guys. I think there was a cheap looking flier around them.

The first paragraph said that the first settlers of Iowa knew where to find these things.

Is that a selling point? The first Iowegians rooted around for these things?

I think these guys fell to earth eons ago looking for a place to conquer when the time was right. They are waiting for all of the stupid humans to spread them around through their clever marketing ploys. All the while mice and spiders and other creepers are smart enough to stay away.

I was appalled that any one would fall for this stupid little gimmick. “Place several around your basement and kitchen to keep pests and spiders and relatives away” it said on the flier.

Who would buy these ugly little balls? Nobody with any brains, that’s for sure.

So now I have one beneath my sink and another under my bed. I don’t think I had a spider problem before and I haven’t seen my little brother sneaking around lately.

But you can never be too careful right?

DJ Steckelberg doesn’t know it, but the hedgeballs have been slowly eating his brain while he sleeps. Warn him at [email protected].