Nathan Sanderson

At this point in the semester, distinct lines have formed among the fair students of SDSU. One lesson newcomers learn almost immediately is the “party within your group” rule. If you don’t know what this is, you really should get out more.

When attending a social gathering, it is imperative that you hang with comrades lest you become the butt end of a rather nasty prank. Stick with those you look like, act like, and smell like, or prepare to be stripped bare and thrust hind-first into a snowbank “Mystery, Alaska”-style.

Please observe and join one of the following.

Engineers: These studious guys hang in the corner measuring can after can with a Vernier caliper to ensure they all have the “exact” same dimensions. They are also the ones racing to determine how long it would take a 150 pound man to hit the ground if he jumped off the roof of Crothers Engineering Hall. Unless you know what a Vernier caliper is, find another group to hang with.

Ag./Rodeo People: Of all the groups, this would be the best one to join–unless you don’t know anything about crops, animals, or machines. “Roughies” can smell a fake a hundred miles away and are the most ruthless when it comes to punishment. However, when you get into the good graces of these folks, they will side with you ’til the end, fighting anyone who is interested at the drop of a hat. You had better be into whiskey or beer, however, because no Ag. Party worth its salt would let anyone drink a wine cooler or malt beverage.

Jocks: These guys throw some pretty good parties and usually have lots of available women–the only downside is that you have to actually be in a sport to qualify. If you have athletic skill in your genes, were a “stud” athlete in high school or think you were, this group’s for you.

Music/Arts: This collaboration of people is the most diverse, most accepting and most enthusiastic of them all. If you want to meet people and have a good time, this one’s where it’s at. If you’re into experimentation or like your booze with fruit–you’ve found a winner with these folks.

There are others that make merry with the best of them–the Pharmacy and Nursing get-togethers are great places to meet women, for example.

No matter whom you decide to celebrate with, be sure to save your tabs for the Ronald McDonald House and your empty cans separate for Glen the Can Man. That way you can justify any offensive or foolhardy actions as helping those in need.

Nathan Sanderson parties with the gerontology majors at the Brookings nursing home. “It’s awesome!” he says. Write him at [email protected].