Nathan Sanderson

When February rolls around, the females of our species seem to get into a certain mood that is difficult to shake.

Emotions run high as anticipation meets expectation. While Groundhog Day may arouse this feeling in Pennsylvania, for the rest of the world that feeling means that it is St. Valentine’s Day.

From my experience there are two camps in this “War of the Roses.”

The first camp would side with Bobby Boucher’s mom in “The Waterboy:” “Valentine’s Day is THE DEVIL!”

The other side has an obligation, but not necessarily a desire, to participate with flowers, roses, candy, etc.

For those folks who are tired of the traditional Valentine’s Day endowments and are looking for other alternatives, there are many gifts NOT to give.

Even if your honey said that she wants chocolate, Slim Fast is still not a good idea. Here are a few other gifts that should not show up in her gift basket, unless you want to spend the money to become single again. When she says, “I don’t want anything,” don’t listen, unless your gift is something like this.

1.) A subscription to Playboy (or Playgirl); 2.) A mixed CD with “Baby Got Back,” the “Thong Song” or “Fat Bottomed Girls;” 3.) Dinner for two at McDonalds; 4.) Breast enhancement pills/brochures; 5.) Hip waders; or 6.) A full-sized poster of the Coors Light Twins.

There are other gifts that just don’t make your significant other slightly-less-than warm and fuzzy inside.

If you want to avoid that ice-cube effect, do not give her any of the following:

1.) An IOU; 2.) A beer; 3.) A Rich Gannon jersey-I don’t care if he’s your favorite player; 4.) A lapdance; 5.) Odor Eaters; or 6.) A one-way ticket to Iraq.

Usually it’s not a good idea to buy something from Spencer Gifts and put it in a Victoria’s Secret bag–your better half won’t appreciate it.

If you still don’t get the picture and want to avoid the usual blandness of Valentine’s Day, get something expensive, you’re bound to find a winner there.

Valentine’s Day often comes with responsibilities that most of us dread, but are under obligation to perform anyway. Part of the rite of courtship is putting up with lame things just to please the other. That’s life.

If you think you’re going to strike out, just go with the $70 dozen roses delivered to her room.

At least that way, you’ll get to enjoy the $100 you’ve spent at Victoria’s Secret.

Nathan Sanderson got his baby doll one of those singing fish for Valentine’s Day. Write to him at [email protected].