Todd Vanderwerff

Some random thoughts I had while watching the all-too idiotic Daredevil, which reeks of an attempt by Hollywood to push the summer and holiday movie seasons even closer together, so we can have a whole year full of crap with nothing more in its brain than blowing stuff up real good.

Why is Ben Affleck playing a superhero? I don’t really mind him when he’s playing a tormented yuppie–a la Changing Lanes–but I don’t buy the whole blind man with tortured soul bit. He just doesn’t sell it like Tobey Maguire did in Spider-Man.

How exactly do Daredevil’s superpowers work? I have absolutely no clue. I buy that he has super-senses (I kind of have to to make the movie work), but I don’t understand how Daredevil’s vibration-vision (which is too convoluted to explain here) works with some sounds (like rain and heart monitors) and not with others (like throbbing music). He can “see” some things, but not all things. I don’t really know how it works.

Similarly, how do super senses make Daredevil able to leap between buildings? I know it looks cool, but it doesn’t make any sense!

I at first thought Jennifer Garner’s character Elektra Natchios would be Latina, but it turned out she was Greek. How far off is a Daredevil spin-off called My Big Fat Greek Superhero Movie. Not very far, I hope!

Colin Farrell is the only thing about this movie that never fails. He was born to play a Bond henchman.

What exactly does it take to become a superhero in the Marvel universe? It seems like the world is just crammed with ’em over there. Tragedy befalls Elektra and just like that with a little training, she’s a superhero! Tragedy befalls Matt Murdock and just like that with a little training, he’s Daredevil! Some random Irish guy gets branded with a Target department store symbol and just like that with a little training, he’s Bullseye! So, can anyone become a superhero? Could I be a superhero? Could I use my super English language powers for good, my calling card an elaborate sentence diagram scratched with a penknife on my enemies’ chests?

That said, Michael Clarke Duncan’s only real superpower appears to be being a large, burly black man.

When am I gonna get my stupid Aqua Man movie?

What’s with all the Christ imagery? How, in any way, is Daredevil like Jesus? Daredevil does nothing worthy of the crucifixes that are always strategically positioned near him, unless there’s a whole lost gospel full of crime busting.

I hope The Hulk and X-Men 2 are far better, because this movie single-handedly set back superhero movies to the dreadful period immediately following Batman and Robin.

Finally, why does the movie kill one of the main characters when a sequel would be so much better with said character?

And how does a certain character fight so well when they are obviously mortally wounded?

And why does Daredevil feel safe telling the priest who he is?

Is this the most Catholic movie since Stigmata? It just might be!

Enough with these questions.

Only see this movie if you;a.) dig Colin Farrell, or b.) need a little superhero action desperately and you’ll take it from any source.

2 stars